Quote Originally Posted by Nation_1ne
Hey all, as some of you know I enjoy writing. But as I expressed in another thread my writing skills aren't all that great. The thing is, I have just written a short story and was wondering if you guys think it's any good. I'm open to any criticism, even if you feel the need to express how shit it is lol. So please, read it, and be honest.

A couple sat together one night sharing thoughts. They had spoken about dreams quite attentively, the women had explained to her lover how she often dreams about him.

Her eyes drift over to the floor, as she sighs and begins to stare. As subtle as it was, the man could see something was obviously wrong. He sits with curiosity overwhelming him, reciting the same question "what could it be?". After a few minutes pass the man grows tired of the silence and nothing but the sound of his stomach churning. He asks, "What is it, Why do you sit so silently?". A sad expression takes over her face, although happy being noticed. She brings her eyes up to her lovers, and they lock together, intimately staring into each others souls. She plucks up the courage to ask the man a question, "Why is it you never dream she asks? I cannot understand. It just makes no sense, everybody dreams!". He laughs a little. "Well I'm glad you find this funny, because I find it ridiculous. " The man's laughter turns to an awkward silence as he continues to look deeply at his partner. He explains "dreams are an escape from reality, they are meant to be in a world where you are better off. Where you have love, intimacy, security, and no fears. I used to dream. Actually, i used to dream a lot. Mainly about finding my soul mate. But they stopped the day that I met you."


Thanks.
Please do not get offended by anything I say, I'm a firm believer in contructive critisim. The things that have been changed to red (if it works for quotes.) are things I don't really like with this story.

1. Pay attention to what tense you want to write in. I notice you have a bad habit of fluxuating between past and present.

2. Show don't tell. Rather than starting the story off with "A couple sat together sharing thoughts," maybe write, She held his hand in hers as they often did while discussing their dreams and ambitions.

3. I also wouldn't start with "a couple," you need to know both of them on a personal level. You need something in the first paragraph to draw the reader into your tale. A strong opening paragraph is a most.

4. Women = Woman - proof reading should take care of mistakes like that in the future.

5. "Her eyes drift over to the floor, as she sighs and begins to stare." You are telling us the same thing twice. It would be better as, " She sighs as her eyes drift over the floor" or something similar. "Begins to stare says the same thing as her eyes drifting to the floor.

6. "As subtle as it was the man could see something was obviously wrong." It seems to read better with a word like "Despite" beginning the sentence.

7. "After a few minutes pass the man grows tired of the silence and nothing but the sound of his stomach churning" Perhaps, try "After a few minutes of silence, the man grows tired of listening to his stomach churn."

8. "A sad expression takes over her face, although happy being noticed." This does not sound right at all. I think "although happy being noticed" may be a clause. "A sad expression crosses her face, yet a tinge (sp) of happiness remains visible in her eyes."


After that you seem to find a rythem and don't see anything negative except for a few grammatical errors.


Now some extra tips before you write anything else. I wouldn't really consider this a story. There needs to be more in order to be considered a story. You need a plot, rising action, climax, etc.

The dialouge was well done, good job.

You have a lot of work to do. The best way to get better is to read A LOT and write every day. Keep a journal with your ideas, conversations you overhear or anything that seems interessting to you at the moment.

I'm not good at writng fiction either. I tend to enjoy writing poetry, research papers, and argumentative essay's.

You need a lot of work, but don't let that discourage you.

If you would like further help, you may want to check out Zoetrope Virtual Studio Home

There are a lot of published writers on that site and it would be a great place for you to read other peoples works. You are also required to review so many stories before you are allowed to post more of your own.

I apologize for the way I formatted everything, it is very hard to organize things in a forum like this.
JaggedEdge Reviewed by JaggedEdge on . Some help please. Hey all, as some of you know I enjoy writing. But as I expressed in another thread my writing skills aren't all that great. The thing is, I have just written a short story and was wondering if you guys think it's any good. I'm open to any criticism, even if you feel the need to express how shit it is lol. So please, read it, and be honest. A couple sat together one night sharing thoughts. They had spoken about dreams quite attentively, the women had explained to her lover how she often Rating: 5