well when i say without i mean, won't really be in contact with him... part of it i guess you could call my fault... i don't like phones... i never know what to say so i spend about 80% of the time waiting for them to say something... he's not much of a phone person either....

he won't be here, i won't be seeing him, so in esscense, i will be without my brother.... and i'm not trying to possess him, which is why i didn't even try to tell him how stupid him moving away with people he hasn't even known for 3 months yet, really was.... i just decided to let him do what he's going to do, and at the same time, not freak out over it, like i've done before....

although i will listen to reason, i doubt anyone can really give me reason to just stand by and not feel anything for the situation.. hes' 17, the people he's moving away with, he just barely met, he'll have no family to count on, and not only that, he's quit school completely, just so he can move away.... all the while i made a promise to my now dead brother, i'd watch out for our littler brother.... it's kinda hard to just let things go and not feel anything bad about it... i don't even know these people, i don't know who they are, and i don't like the way things are going... i mean i understand there are exceptionally nice people out there who will take in some 'stray' teen because his home life is horrible (which, even tho he thinks it is, it's not, he has food all the time, he has cable, internet, xbox, ect ect... he just won't forgive our mom for kicking out my brother, which i dont' want to say is her fault, but pretty much directly resulted in the death of our brother) it doesn't happen to terribly often.... i'm worried what these people may really be doing....

i just worry about my brother... i worry alot, because i made a promise and i had every intent on keeping it, but i'm starting to realize, i'm not going to be able to.. cuz i won't always be there, and that hurts me...

i still kinda feel like i'm being attacked, even when i do the right thing, which is stepping back, and allowing everything to set in... but i still feel like i'm being attacked for caring, just seems like certain posts are saying "suck it up and deal with it"... and i'm trying to do what is right... and what i feel is right..

i just don't know anymore... i don't want my (dead) brother to be disappointed in me... i don't have any real guidance... i don't know what to do... on one hand i know i have to let go, becasue he will never become a man, as long as someone shadows him, but at the same time, i made a promise... a promise that is tearing me apart in side because i'm begining to feel i'm going to have to break it... it doesn't even matter if he ends up in a bad situation or worse, i promised i would be there to take care of him, and i won't be anymore....

i'm just... afraid.