I need someone

[BlueCat]

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. A freidn of mine hung himself over Christmas break. I just couildnt understand why...

Everything you said you felt I also felt.

I often question if a forum is the place to look for help but it feels right to come here.

I am sorry ....I probably brought it all back to you

[birdgirl73]

So sorry for your loss, Blue Cat. That's a horrible thing to have happen to your friend, and my heart goes out to her family.

Three years ago this week, one of my oldest friend's brothers took his own life. He was older than us and I didn't know him too well. But I'm starting to believe it's true what people say about this time of year being the most depressing.

I honestly think that if depressed people could see the agony that survivors go through first-hand, it might stop them from making such a horrible, self-destructive, angry decision. The families and friends who are left behind are overwhelmed by guilt and what-if questions and pain. My friend will never really recover from his brother's loss. The one thing his family took comfort in, though, was what one of their brother's doctors said to them, which was "Ultimately, he thought he was acting in a way that would bring him peace and end his torment. It is an awful thing for us, but it's what he wanted."

My heart goes out to you, Blue Cat. Keep feeling and expressing those feelings.

[partyguy420]

i know this may not help you... but last night i came up with the best reason for life i myself or anyone else could ever think of... the only thing you do in life is eat, sleep, fuck, drink and drugs... eat sleep fuck, drugs and alcohal... and we repeat this almost everyday of out lifes... from the time we are over the age of 13... many will repeat this well into our 80's and 90's...

i know how it feals to loose some one that close to you... and i dont know what i would do if i lost my "brother"(hes like what your friend was to you... we grew up together)came close to loosing him over the summer... and i was in tears until his mom called me at 3 in the morning about 2 days latter...

[Samwhore]

Why are you angry,Sam?

Lets not go there....

[potsmokingnome]

Wow sorry to hear that Blue Cat, thats very horrible, suicide is allways horrible and hard to deal with. Hang in there and take it one day at a time...I wish i knew what to say...
Edit: My Mom also committed suicide when i was 10 years old, so I can symphaze with your pain. Surving suicide is never an easy thing...hang in there and evevntually the pain fades, but you have to deal with your emotions a feelings your own way...I dealt with my pain with poetry I hope you find an outlet......

[Demeter]

Oh Blue Cat, I gasped when I read your post. I am so sorry! I can't imagine how horrible it must have felt to deal with that alone, but I am very glad you took care of yourself and reached out for help here- it's strange, we don't see each other with our eyes on this board, but I sometimes think we can feel with our heart even better when we are not distracted by appearances.

A long time ago, a close friend of mine killed herself, she shot herself in the face, and I kept asking why why over and over, and tried to think of the signs I must have missed, and what I should, could, would have said if I had known she was going to do that. She killed herself the day before we were going to meet and have lunch, and I was so mad with grief I blamed myself- I should have made plans with her sooner..etc. When someone dies from an accident or illness, it is painful, but when someone takes their own life, it is excruciating for those loved ones left behind. Please know that it is natural to obsess over all the what if's, and also that there will probably never be the answers you want to explain why. It just is.
You will be recovering from this for awhile, so be extra kind to yourself. Grief is the most human of emotions I think. It rips you open, but if you are able to eventually heal, it will bring you strength - just knowing that you can survive a loss of that magnitude.
The next few weeks are going to be really rough, I hope you will post often and cry on our shoulders whenever you need to. I'll be holding thoughts of you in my heart-

[2600HERTZ]

I pray and give you love.

[Dutch Pimp]

...your son is home?...good news buried inside...bad news....

..I am sorry for your loss...

[BlueCat]

No Dutch my oldest is not home (I wish)
I have 3 sons...the youngest came home. He is in college.


Thanks for the well wishes though. Thanks everyone...

Demeter thanks for sharing your story it really helped me on so many levels. I AM STILL saying why and what could I have done...over and over.
I borrowed a quote from your post for my signature I thought it explained this place really well. I hope you don't mind.

Some times I have this fear of being alone but then I can find solace in being alone. It makes no sense.

Yesterday I found myself alone. SO really alone. . I really panicked. The house was so empty I just fell to pieces. Me and the cats on the floor. Me crying and them looking at me like I was crazy but with concerned little faces. Bless their little furry butts.
I guess this is empty nest in overdrive. Maybe that is why Smudge (my cat) brought me a dead bird. It was a nice gesture but it didn't help AT ALL.

I am glad I could come here and open my heart.
I feel a connection to this place and the hearts that collect here.
I have posted on lots of forums but there is no better collection of good people than here.

I guess I am off to Virginia Beach, I'll find my way back. Talk to you soon

Much love
Cat

[Hagbard Celiene]

Best wishes in your time of sorrow... I to have lost friends to suicide, as well as loosing a son... I can relate a little, i guess.

All i can tell you is that you should look at the funeral as a time to be with the people that were close to your friend, and a celebration of the person you all loved, not as a time to mourn.

I hope that you can find the comfort that you deserve. I definitly agree that you should write that book. that sounds like the best way of healing.