Wow sorry to hear that Blue Cat, thats very horrible, suicide is allways horrible and hard to deal with. Hang in there and take it one day at a time...I wish i knew what to say...
Edit: My Mom also committed suicide when i was 10 years old, so I can symphaze with your pain. Surving suicide is never an easy thing...hang in there and evevntually the pain fades, but you have to deal with your emotions a feelings your own way...I dealt with my pain with poetry I hope you find an outlet......