oh i know.. i love my grandma with all my heart... me and her are extremely close... and we always had the relationship where i could talk to her about ANYTHING and she would be understanding, and be honest.. wouldnt' nessicarily agree with it.. but wouldn't freak out on me, say the time we talked about me and weed... most parents would have freaked out on their child from the first line which was "i smoke weed, and i want to talk to you about it" she said her only problem with it (in the end) was that it was illegal.. and when i'd need some liqour (say i got hurt really bad, i.e. falling out of the attic) she'd get it.. not if i just wanted to get drunk, but she was always very understanding.. and judged the situation for what it is... and nothing else... she IS my mom.... my real mom is more of an aunt if anything... she's there if i need her... a ride somehwere where my grandparents can't drive, have no money for food or food in the house, ect ect... i go over there everyonce in awhile and stay for a day or so, maybe longer, when hurricane rita came and we had to evacuate, we didn't go with her, but when we came home (it was a terrible fucking experience, we went with my wife's sister and the whole time they were just tryign to split us up, and this was days and days of the shit) but we come home and see there's a giant fucking tree that fell and ripped out the power line from the house, and we had no money to fix it (thank god for fema, bet you'd never expect to hear that from someone) she let us come stay over there.. for a solid month or so we lived there.. things were bad but atleast we had a place to stay with electricity... after so long we finally got our fema check (about 900 for my mom for rent and about 1,000 to fix the house, which was more than enough) my mom is there if i need her, and i respect her for that... if things are that bad she's there... i don't hold her not being a major part of my life growing up against her, cuz she tries now.. she's not exactly the best person, but the fact is she tries...

i am thankful for what i have... but what i do have, doesn't and never will make up for what i don't... even if i had a million dollars, no problems in life, an entire family that loved me except my dad... nothing could outweigh the fact that i have no father, and never did... i know i'm not letting go, and that's my problem, but i can't... it's just not in me, beleive me i've tried... i thought i had let go, for over a year when i told him i wanted nothing to do with him, but low and behold, soon as i get on the phone with him, i start blubbering and feeling the pain all over... i just can't do it.

Stonesour - Bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

[Solo: Corey]

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit