You need some work on you're wiriting skills. MastaChronic said it, you need a huge vocab. to be write anything decent. Pick up a Thesorous(sp?) and find some more meaningful words to work with.

I like the opening line, but from there, it goes downhill.

The thing with rapping or hip-hopping, is the lyrics and words are your instrument. Using words in rap is like a guitar player playing a riff, or a bassist laying down a wicked bassline. Use the words as your weapon and instrument. Those words, I just see diarria of the mouth and hard talk. If you're going to rap hard, chose some better words.

My 2cents.