And I hate to say it but as far as the original poster goes, you have a lot of work your going to have to do to yourself if you want to change. I dont know your history of anything but you seem unhappy with the lifestyle you have been living for so long . If your depression continues I dont think your going to be able to do it alone, I would suggest talking with a therapist/psychiatrist

Your not alone though, I realized I had alot of problems growing up and didnt maximize my potential in the least bit. I started medication/counseling and it made ALL the world of differance, you can do it , it just takes alot of hard work