A New Joke Thread

[Stoned Scouser]

There's three women talkin about their love lives... one says to the other ' hey mary-sue what do u call ur man? '...she replies ' i call my man the express train coz he jus keeps on goin '... they all hav a bit of a giggle

Then the nx one says ' hey mary-jane what do u call ur man? '... she says ' i call my man the stalion coz he goes at it like a stallion! '... again they hav a bit of a laugh right

Then finally one says ' hey mary-ann what do u call ur man? '... ' i call my man drambui! '... ' drambui? ain't that some kind of a fancy liquor? '... ' thats right! '

[ermitonto]

Why do they call it "PMS"?

Because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

[The S B]

you all got good jokes
ok I'm not a pev but this is funny

a boy and his dad come to a playground where the is a sandbox there is a naked little girl in it the boy runs up and says whatcha doin and she says playin the naky sand game wanna play? he says ok but what do I got to do she says take off all your cloths and jump in he does it so they are playin around in the sand(harmless children things) all of the sudden the boy looks down and says whuts that the girl goes I dont no let me go ask my mommy she goes to her mom and the mom says its your garage DONT LET ANY BOYS PARK THEIR CHEVY IN IT she goes back and starts playin again 30 secs later the girl looks down and says wuts that the boy goes i dont no let me go ask my daddy the dad says thats your chevy try and park it in a girls garage
he goes back to playin and 5 mins later the boy runs away screaming and crying the mom runs over and asks the girl wut happened the girl says
he tryed to park his chevy in my garage so I bit off his back wheels ..lol

ok heres another
three men walk into a church the first goes to his knees and says
oh dear lord I have sined I commited adultury
god tells him to drink some of the holy water and all will be forgivven so he does
the second says oh dear load I have sined I killed a man
god says drink some holy water and all will be forgivven so he does
the third man drops to his knees and says oh dear load I have sined I pissed in the holy water...

some of these are lame also no offence to blonds just a funny sterio type

what do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back

ok 3 blonds walk into a bar they are cheerin and givin each other some high fives says only 52 days they get a table and are still cheerin the whole time some other blonds walk in and sit with them all cheerin a nd givin high fives to each other then some moe walk in by now there are like 15 of them they keep sayin only 52 days the bartened is startin to get mad about all the yelin and cheerin so he sends one of the waiter girls over to find out why they are cheerin she comes back with a crazed look on her face she tells the bartended your not ganna belive this he says what whats with all this crap and she says well they finnished a puzzle in 52 days that said 8-10 years on the box

if you dont get it it some toys say 8-10 year olds on them
I got more but i no you all dont want to read more

[billie]

nice... so here is one:
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 , it would be a chicken sedan

[Byker]

Reminds me of another very old joke;

Seán O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, dear Jesus", he implored, "let it be blood!"

Den she sez:

Edit: Paddy is a brand of Irish Whiskey btw

I knew that!

But so long as we're telling Irishman jokes and nun jokes ...

It's Thursday evening, and Mike just got his pay packet, so he's going into the pub for a quick pint before he goes home. As he pushes open the door, he hears a small voice behind him that says, "You're enterin' the gates of Hell."

He turns around. Standing before him, a few inches shorter and with her hands tucked into the sleeves of her habit, is a nun. Mike turns back toward the door, and he begins to lean on it, when the voice starts again: "You're enterin' the gates of Hell, ta drink the devil's blood!".

"Now, sister," Mike says, as he wheels around. The nun replies, "Yer goin' inta that den of sin to commune with Satan!".

Mike walks over to her and says, "No, sister, that's an honest workin' men's pub. There's no more sin --"

"You are going into a den of sin and evil!", the nun cries out. "No, sister! No, I am not!", shouts Mike.

They stare at each other for a moment. Then Mike says, "Look, sister, you're so certain you know what this pub is like, you come in with me and tell me what you see. Come on! Come on with ya!". And Mike opens the door of the pub and ushers the nun inside.

Once in, he leads her to a corner table in the lounge. "Now, can I get you a drink?", says Mike. "Well ... all right," says the nun, timidly. "I'd like some whiskey, just a drop, but put it in a tea cup."

"Right," says Mike, and he trundles up to the bar.

At the bar, Mike waits for the barman, and tells him, "Howehyeh, Albert! I'd like a pint a' Guinness, and a drop of Paddy. But put the whiskey in a tea cup."

The barman looks at Mike and says, "Wha'?".

Mike repeats, "A pint a' the Arthur Guinness, and a short of Paddy. But put the Paddy in a tea cup."

"Whiskey in a tea cup, ya want?", queries the barman again.

"Yes, that's what I said," replies Mike.

"Whale oil beef hooked," remarks the barman. "That bloody nun is back again!"

[Byker]

One more for you ...

Three Irish lads are walking along on a Saturday afternoon. They go past a Catholic church, when Tommy stops his mates.

"Wait here, lads," says he, "I have to go to confession." This surprises Pat and Michael, but they agree to remain in front of the church until their friend returns.

Tommy waits in the line for the confessional. Then he goes in, kneels, and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"Yes, yes, my son," says the priest. "What have you done?"

"Well, I got drunk and said foul words," Tommy tells him. "What did you say?", asks the priest.

"Aw, shite, Father, I can't remember one God-damned thing after the sixth pint, now ya don't expect me to come up with a whole fuckin' speech for fuck's sake!", replies Tommy.

"I suppose not," murmurs the priest. "Go on."

"And Father, I had a very lewd thought," says Tommy. "Well, did you entertain the thought?", asks the priest.

"No, Father I did not. But it did entertain me!", Tommy says.

"Please continue," says the priest.

"Then, Father, last week I was with one of the girls from the parish," confesses Tommy.

"You mean you slept with her?", the priest inquires. "No, Father, I did not!", says Tommy. "In fact, I spent the whole night with her, and we didn't do any sleepin', I can tell ya that!".

The priest inhales deeply, and says, "Tell me her name." Tommy snaps back, "Father, I can't tell you that! I promised her I'd tell no-one!".

"You *must* tell me," insists the priest, "or your sins will not be forgiven! Was it, was it -- Kathleen O'Connor?"

"No, Father," says Tommy.

"You will tell me!", demands the priest. "Was it Mary Casey?".

"Father, no!", says Tommy.

"Was it ... Maureen O'Kelley?", says the priest.

"It was not!", replies Tommy, "And I am not going to tell you!".

"THAT'S IT!", shouts the priest. "Get out! Get out now! You are not absolved of your sins until you are willing to confess them!". And Tommy runs out of the church.

Finding his mates, he turns to them and says, "Lads, we're going out tonight -- with three of the easiest girls in the parish!".

[kevy cola]

cool, the joke thread is still around. I'm the creator of the original
http://boards.cannabis.com/showthrea...0&page=1&pp=25

So george wants to go out for a night of boozin' with his buddies but his wife won't let him go. She says " last time you went to the bar you got piss drunk puked all over your shirt". after enough begging and pleading george's wife allows him to go to the bar.

4 hours and fifteen beers later george puked on his shirt. George turns to one of his buddies and says " aw man my wife is gonna kill me, i wasn't supposed to puke on my shirt!". George's buddy replies " here man take this twenty, when you get home tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you twenty bucks for the laundry"

so georges stumbles home drunk as a skunk and enters through the front door. "Dammit George you puked on shirt again" to which george replies "No hunny, some other drunk puked on me and gave me twenty bucks for the cleaners" george's wife says "oh yeah, then what's that other twenty for?" "that's from they guy who shit in my pants!!!!!!!"

[Sognatore]

Check this out http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/





be sure to take a second & actually look- the first time I showed this to someone they said "damn, the link didn't work"
ps: I like your avatar kevy cola