For all the Yanks :P

[JohnnyBravo]

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. We hate to ruin your tea-party here, but the sun has, in fact, set on the British Empire! Cheerio!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the ORIGINAL spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. If you're going to make up an arbitrary statistic, use the same number consistently. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and, 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. You want English actors cast as good guys? How about Stephen Fry playing Oscar Wilde in "Wilde"? How about Rupert Everett in "The Next Best Thing"? Oh, you want English actors cast as STRAIGHT good guys!
Ahem. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty. It's toe- tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" yet again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. For your own sake if nobody else's. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. If the French can figure it out, you should be able to.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing; it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. Ground- based wiring? What the F**kHuh
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. Regarding World War II: You're Welcome.

[maryjanemama]

I'd like to add:

10. You can keep Madonna.

[Lulu]

I'd like to add:

10. You can keep Madonna.

Hahahahaha
Yeah! and what the fuck did she do to poor Guy Richie
He's wearing check tweedy old English country gentleman's sports jackets and a matching flat cap nowadays - Fashion Police ! Someone ! Anyone ! Slap him hard ffs

[Kombucha]

Nice one Johnnie Bravo. I would like to correct some inaccuracies:

We are a world power
The country is officially a monarchy but the Queen has no real power, only the government does. If you look at our systems you will see your country behave more like a monarchy than ours does, with most of the power being held by one person.
The Chinese and Indian food you like is the Anglicised versions of it. You want some real Chinese/Indian food? Try plain sticky rice.
Candle in the wind is shit. Although we do have the oldest national anthem I do think Rule Britannia is more fun.
Football (soccer to you) is a great game, that's why just about the entire world takes it seriously (except Americans.) The reason we didn't get close to 4th place in the Olympics is because we do not compete in football as we have English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish teams, whereas if we competed in the Olympics we would have to play as Britain (which in all fairness would basically just be England anyway.)
I apologise for Teletubbies, so who killed JFK? And by the way, what happened at Roswell? And I really think you should apologise for Barney the Dinosaur.
As for aluminium, we made the language, we can do what we want with it.
You should be thanking us for WW2. You would have been screwed if you had entered war with Germany and no one had resisted them.
We make a lot of good films you just don't see them. I think if you compare the amount of rubbish Hollywood comes out with as a percentage to what Britain creates you will see who's boss.

If nothing else we can always rely on our superior sense of humour, culture and intelligence.

You can now return to watching slapstick American comedy containing an incredible lack of subtlety

[Kombucha]

Sorry, Johnny Bravo

[JohnnyBravo]

Sorry, Johnny Bravo

No need to apologise Kombucha, it's all light-hearted fun, although I can tell some people have taken a little dry humour to heart.

Just for the record I am also english, and both neilmcca's original post and my second post are the products of another website - I don't have the wit or knowledge to think up all that shite. Laters

http://www.jardmail.co.uk/seasonal/usreply.shtml

[Kombucha]

Oh right. Well I meant sorry cos I misspelt your name. There was me thinking neilmcca was clever. Oh well.

[F L E S H]

If you can't have a sense of humour about yourself and your culture, you're a sad, sad case. Neilmcca and JohnnyBravo's are both very funny



P.S.: Hockey is the greatest sport in the world!

[litespeed]

hay can we smoke pot in the new order??????????????
when the Queen is overseer

[Kombucha]

Of course. Prince Harry does it, why can't you? We won't be tyrants, just get amusement out of our power, that's all.