For all the Yanks :P

[neilmcca]

MEMORANDUM



TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your Independence

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your cooperation.

neilmcca Reviewed by neilmcca on 11-19-2004. For all the Yanks :P MEMORANDUM TO: The Citizens of the United States of America RE: Revocation of your Independence In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Rating: 5

[ineedskillz]

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off...
And what about us Canadians..?

[neilmcca]

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off...
And what about us Canadians..?

when Tony has moved into the white house, we'll gather up a couple of soldiers and walk across the border and sort your lot out too,
it's for your own good, ice hockey is shite,
learn a proper sport like Rugby.
and we'll never forgive you for giving us that gravelly voiced tosser called Brian Adams, and not forgeting Celine Dion and Shania fucking twain


your time is up.............

[notanovice]

if we, the people of the U.S.A., do what you ask of us, who will bail your bloody asses out of sure extermination.
who bailed you out of 2 world wars etc etc etc
we do not wish to have a bloody, inbred, blueblood to reighn over us
royalty schmoyalty, just piss bush off and see what happens.
rugby, hah! looks kinda gay to me. yes, i know it`s a tough game, but to me, a bunch of guys standing around a ball, hugging each other so tightly, waiting to grab a BALL, uh is kind of gay looking to me, but that`s just my opinion.oh yes, then there`s cricket. WTF kinda game is that???

so patiently waiting for your reply
lmao
rofl
pmp

[roll it up]

oh?an who the hell do u think U are?

[F L E S H]

Rugby gay? All I see when I watch footbal is a buch of guys tapping each other on the ass... What other sport has a position called 'Tight End'? lol

As for Canada, technically, we're still part of the British empire, since the Governor General, representative of the Queen here, is the chief of state. We still have that crazy lady on all our change, and on the $20 bill!

Meh, I would much rather that Canada returns to the U.K. than Quebec separating... Now THAT'S nonsense! ...

[sawleaf]

Me and my assault weapons say Fuck You tommy! Lets see how the Royal military does against the US military and millions of armed angry citizens. I agree with you about rugby, American football, and American cars, but no way would America become a bunch of pansy tea drinkers. We are not Argentina, you guys would get your asses kicked 10 times over!

[Kombucha]

Lol that is exactly what I always think neilmcca.
Notanovice, America did not "bail us out" of either World War. We went into both world wars to protect the freedom of other countries that you like to think YOU protect. You should have been in from the beginning. Secondly, the Allies would have won both wars without the USA, (although admitedly not as quickly) we had lots of other Allies such as Canada, Australia, New Zealand, France, India, lots of African countries etc, which could be bothered to help.

Oh, sawleaf, maybe you have a bigger military, but we have a better military for its size. Anyway, to take control we'd just employ some idiot Texan to talk a load of crap about America being the best country in the world, he'd be sure to be elected. Then we'd just use our superior intellects to trick him into handing us control. You have our language, learn to accept our control. Ha ha ha haaa. You know English guys make the best baddies. Alan Rickman would be minister of America by the way. He'd rule in a similar way to his role as the Sherif of Nottingham (you don't pronounce the "H" in Nottingham by the way)

[sawleaf]

Lol that is exactly what I always think neilmcca.
Notanovice, America did not "bail us out" of either World War. We went into both world wars to protect the freedom of other countries that you like to think YOU protect. You should have been in from the beginning. Secondly, the Allies would have won both wars without the USA, (although admitedly not as quickly) we had lots of other Allies such as Canada, Australia, New Zealand, France, India, lots of African countries etc, which could be bothered to help.

WW2 would not have been won without the US. You Brits were isolated by the German war machine. You did not have the military power to launch a European offensive. The Austrailian mainland was defensless against the Japanese since the Aussies were in North Africa fighting. Yeah we didn't get involved until we were attacked in WW2, we should've started fighting earlier. The Germans and Japanese were both working on atomic programs! If the US had not gotten involved it is likely that London would've been exactly like Hiroshima.

[sawleaf]

Oh, sawleaf, maybe you have a bigger military, but we have a better military for its size. Anyway, to take control we'd just employ some idiot Texan to talk a load of crap about America being the best country in the world, he'd be sure to be elected. Then we'd just use our superior intellects to trick him into handing us control. You have our language, learn to accept our control. Ha ha ha haaa. You know English guys make the best baddies. Alan Rickman would be minister of America by the way. He'd rule in a similar way to his role as the Sherif of Nottingham (you don't pronounce the "H" in Nottingham by the way)

Wow you almost sound like a Nazi. How do you figure your military is better? I have served with Aussie diggers and British troops and besides the Royal Comandos I was not impressed very much.