It's not a stupid thing, hun. In some ways, it's probably easier on a Web site.

You are dangerously depressed right now and could use some help with that. What's stopping you from making some changes that improve your life? From talking to someone who can help you start to feel better? From connecting with new people to love? From not letting people down in the future if, as you say, you've done so in the past? My guess, based on one of your Christmas-related threads, is that you DO have people who care about you. You were saying you'd need to fake a happy reaction in response to gifts. That was a bit of a clue right there. Self-destruction is an attractive idea when you're depressed and feeling alone and hopeless, but when you're down in the black hole of feeling that way, you can't see that you haven't always--and won't always--feel that way. And you'd be taking a permanent situation to a temporary problem. One that's got remedies.

Step 1: stop drinking. Alcohol just makes depression worse. We'll move to step 2 when you're ready . . . .