I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. I remember laying in bed as a little kid trying to talk myself into calming down...thinking I was having a heart attack..thinking I was dying....I was afraid to sleep.

I remember my mom telling me it was anxiety...and I was so glad that I wasn't dying!!

I hate how anxiety attacks make me be irrational. I will just start freaking out and nothing can make me feel better..it's like once I start down that dark hole...It is just going to get really bad.

It is gotten so bad that mid freakout I will just open up a bottle of pillls and put them all in my mouth. Why? I don't know..it's not even like a thought process happens...
...I just have this horrible feeling of wanting to be out of my head...be anywhere but my head...this horrible feeling overcomes my whole body...I start to uncontrollably shake..and I start to hyperventalate...and my breathing gets all fucked up...
Sometimes ill just flail and just go out of control.

I like to be destructive...throw things...break things...hit things.

I hate it...and now that I live by myself..when I get anxiety attacks I just try to call anyone I can to get them to talk me into calming down.

I should probably go get help...but I don't think anything will help me...but, I know I have a problem...