Just venting...

[sToNeDpEnGuIn420]

Ok well im sittin here not so much pissed off just more depressed at the world around me.When i say the world around me, i honestly mean the world around me, the world,my country,the president,my friends,weed,my grandma,my family, everything. Just everything seems to be wrong. I just read Torogs post in which he posted pictures for inspiration to support our troops.I didnt post there because so many thoughts in my head i didn't feel the need to try and write them all there. I can't understand why we even have war, i dont understand why we have the goverment. Why cant we each live our own lives soely alone? Each person in control of what they do? Why do we need someone to rise above and be supieor to us just because of a title? I mean if there was no president how would America be? If there were no laws condeming murders what would happen?Would the crime rate be worse? I would think not, but then again theres no way of proving what would really happen. Why do we have people that go and kill for a country? I dont understand how someone can have no respect for someone else to kill them just because your supposed "Supieor" leader says to do it. However this is just the bigger issues of the world around us, each person in their own lil worlds have each their own issues. Well im going to share mine because well i need to get some stuff out and i really have no one to talk to, so here is my life from begining to this very moment, if you think this is just a cry for attention or im just whining and bitching plz leave now because it would be pointless for you to read on.
I was born in Fontanna(sp),CA on June 5th,1989. My mom was 17 when she had me 16 when she got pregnant, my dad was 20 or so.For the first 6 years of my life i lived with my grandma in San bernadino,CA during this time my mom went out partyied looking for guys because my dad had left her.I only have a few memorys from this time, these were playing the orignal NES and getting a power wheels toy on my 4th birthday, that really is all i remeber. A lil after i turned 6 my mom met my first step dad, his name was doug. He was in the military so because of this we moved to 29 Palms where a military base was and we lived there.Pretty much after they met they had my half brother,whos name was Rollins.We lived with doug for 3 years or so.During this time i dont remeber a lot, i do remeber a kind of big incident but i dont remeber all the details compeltely. I was 7 and the night before this happened we had been watchin the three stooges where they were evil scientists and they had a girl tied down to this metal thing(like in frankistein)and she was just screaming but thats all i remeber.THe next day i was playing with the girl that lived down 2 houses from mine, all i remeber is like we were playing and she was laying on the slide then he dad came out screaming at me. I didnt know what i did so i ran home crying.Then i hear a knock at the door my mom answers it and the girls dad told my mom that i had molested his daughter,which my mom in return told him i wasnt even old enough to know what that was, we both just deicede to put it behind and i was never alowwed to talk to them or to go to their house ever again.I honestly dont know if i did or not because i dont remeber but i dont think i did.A lil before this happened something else happened that was really weird. It was the weekend and my mom was going to see my grandma which was about an hour away from where we lived, i had the choice to stay and be babysat or go with them and for some reason i didnt want to go(which i usually would because i love my grandma)but its good i didnt because that day my mom got in an accident she rolled the truck trying to swirve and miss a coyete, where i would have been sittin was a rock that would have killed me if i would have been there.It was very scary.This was one of the events that lead up to the divorce of my mom and doug because when she got home the first thing he asked was how was the truck?" not even asking about my mom or brother.Also doug punched holes in the doors and he made me write sentences, im only in 1st or 2nd grade and anytime i did something bad i had to write 500-1000 sentences about why it was wrong.They finally divorced and we moved back to San Bernadino. My mom was then single for a year or two then she got back with my dad.They were together for a year or so until my dad just left when he got mad and never came back. After this my mom met another guy in the military named Brent. He then became my second step dad but he was way worse then doug. We moved to san clemente,Ca because thats where a military base was at. I lived with him until i was 12 or 13 cant remeber, but during the time i was with him and my mom was the worst part of my life, all they did was have sex i remeber my friends coming over and me making random noises to be louder then my mom screaming.This is also when i started wanting to commit suicede.An icident that really made me deciede i hate my mom happened when i was in 6th grade.My mom and brent were arguing brent was trying to drag her to the room so they could "talk" my mom was screaming so my first instinct was save my mom, i jumped on brents back and started to hit him in the head he threw me off and i ran to my room he came in there and beat me, he hit my face atleast 3 times and i had 2 black eyes.Then he left and said he wasnt coming back,im sittin in my room in the corner crying and my mom comes in after he said that and says "This is all your fault! hes gone and its all your fault!" i get sent to counsleing because of my out of control behavior this is when i lost all respect for my mom.Then after a year or two they divorced. I then moved to Spokane,WA where i currently live. For most of 8th grade i spent my time playing a card game called Magic the gathering, it was the only thing that made me happy. Then during the summer all my friends lost intrest in it, so i went along with them. Then highschool came i was freshman i had hair that went to my shoulders and i had it realyl fucked up.Then november of freshman year i took a trip back to cali, i re-met this girl named cortnie, ive known her since i was 4 but i hadnt seen her in over 8 years. Wow she was so beatiful just the first look at her when i walked in to her house when we went to visit. We watched minority report and just talked, we clicked really well and i was really sad when i had to leave. I left the next day for home the whole entire time i couldnt stop thinking about her. THe first thing i did as i got home that night was i emailed her and told her how i felt. We then had a long distance relationship for about 3 months or so.THis was the most fucked up relationship ever.(and my real first gf)All we did was talk on the phone(cuz thats all we could do)but what else we did was both fucked up, we both had probelms and we both cut so wed threaten each other with cutting and and choking areselves and killing ourselves.This ended when i supposedly broke up with her when i was half asleep so she said it was over.I then became really depressed and tried to OD on pills, my mom found out and i had to go to the hospital to get ym stomach pumped.Then i tried to slit my wrists, didnt work i then was in a shit load of trouble and i was under constant watch and i had to see a counsler a lot.THen april of 2004 i tried weed, i had been saying i did it(cuz everyone said i looked like a stoner, so i said it to be cool) so someone invited me to smoke then when i got there i confessed and said i never did it they didnt care just kinda mad i lied to them.So i smoked and i loved it, so then i wasnt depressed and all i did was smoke.THen june i had a relaspe of my depression and freaked out and threatned to kill myself if i could not go live with my grandma, so got to go.Now i live with her and i smoke weed yet im still depressed,theres also other lil details i left out but tahts my life summed up.Sorry had to vent....ok well ya thats my life maybe some ppl will understand me better now or something.

sToNeDpEnGuIn420 Reviewed by sToNeDpEnGuIn420 on 11-09-2004. Just venting... Ok well im sittin here not so much pissed off just more depressed at the world around me.When i say the world around me, i honestly mean the world around me, the world,my country,the president,my friends,weed,my grandma,my family, everything. Just everything seems to be wrong. I just read Torogs post in which he posted pictures for inspiration to support our troops.I didnt post there because so many thoughts in my head i didn't feel the need to try and write them all there. I can't understand Rating: 5

[Mrs PotatoHead]

There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. If you get nothing then you will do anything to have someone just give a reaction to you so you know that you exist. If you feel like you don't exist then what's the point. Attention makes you feel alive, bad attention is something, but good attention like love and fun and some of these things that most of us take for granted are better.

I feel for you and it will make me think twice about feeling sorry for myself. Not that you should cos it achieves nothing. Just try to focus on some good stuff and work with that, then when you have some sort of bearing and control of your own life you can reflect on the bad shit with a little more clarity. Have you ever heard of de bono's hats. It sounds a little cheesy but they're these imaginary hats that you put on to help you think a little clearer when you are in situations that suck.

Hope this isn't presuming too much

[apsinthion]

Crumb's what a long thread lol

Anyway reading that made me see how comfortable my own childhood was. For you to still feel bad about yourself is only natural and all I can add to that is that time is the only thing that will heal this. You are doing well penguin (I remember your early post's and you've come along way since then, so juust keep that up, do as well for yourself as you can and then you'll be able to look back at all of this and think "well I'm comfortable and happy, and where are they?". Just dont give up on your self, and do as well as you can in as many aspect's of your life as possable.

I really do feel for ya though mate.

[sToNeDpEnGuIn420]

Ya im not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me(i hate pity and ppl giving me sympathy i dont need it) and thanks you guys im feeling a lil better getting that out helped a lot, just like all the ppl around me dont know me and dont really care enough to get to know me. So thanks for being here guys

[Mrs PotatoHead]

I just hate seeing a penguin in distress. Especially such a cute little fella like you (picks you up and gives big eye poppin squeeze).

[XxTornXimagexX]

oh man cameron thats so fucked up, i jus wana go beat those ppl that hurt u to a fuckin pole, like that would work though, i jus im n so much shocki have no idea, i jus wana give u a big hug n wish that it all went away but i cant, i wont help, well im glad u showed me this, it makes me feel...um wats the word...well idk wat the owrd is but it makes me feel sumthin

[00Ampersand]

Mrs Potato Head hugging a penguin....huh. Someone needs to take a picture of that and send it to National Geographic
~007~

[RESiNATE]

I think that Mrs P's advice is sound.

I know that you're not looking for pity, Penguin - it feels good, sometimes, to put down in words your inner-most thoughts and emotions. Their is a therapuetic value, even if it is only bashing the keys on a keyboard.
Much in the way that I myself will have a moan - and maybe get some sound advice too

I would, however, ask you to place a 'carriage return' in there somewhere on occasion, as I kept getting lost, and read the same sentence twice, which started making me think I was either experiencing 'de ja vu', or indeed, that I was going mad lmaooo

"A problem shared, is a problem halved", my friend, and we all got stories like yours - you're not alone.
I don't say that to in anyway diminish your emotions, but more to confirm that you'll always find an understanding ear within this place, so don't suffer in silence, dude

Res...

[GHoSToKeR]

I think that Mrs P's advice is sound.

I know that you're not looking for pity, Penguin - it feels good, sometimes, to put down in words your inner-most thoughts and emotions. Their is a therapuetic value, even if it is only bashing the keys on a keyboard.
Much in the way that I myself will have a moan - and maybe get some sound advice too

I would, however, ask you to place a 'carriage return' in there somewhere on occasion, as I kept getting lost, and read the same sentence twice, which started making me think I was either experiencing 'de ja vu', or indeed, that I was going mad lmaooo

"A problem shared, is a problem halved", my friend, and we all got stories like yours - you're not alone.
I don't say that to in anyway diminish your emotions, but more to confirm that you'll always find an understanding ear within this place, so don't suffer in silence, dude

Res...

eggshatilly!

[herbalmedicine]

Penguin, the best thing I'll say here is think POSITIVE

I get depressed easily for much less than that, but simply telling yourselfe you're "good" (anything positive, about anything) makes a DIFFERENCE!

try it buddy