Thanks, everyone, for your continued kind messages. Tootise, I sent you a little message, as you'll discover.

I'm OK today. Yesterday was rough as could be. Cried on and off all day. Then last night, I just felt furiously angry, which almost scared me because the emotion was so strong. I did a little therapeutic screaming to let off some steam (screamed into a pillow in the far end of the house) and then went to bed and and tossed and turned all night. What I really wanted to do was drive a blue pickup truck through the front of a glass building, emerge from the cab, and begin shooting everything in sight. A punching bag would also have come in handy.

Somehow today was better. Felt more like myself again. Returned to school (I only missed parts of two days of school through all this) and made it through that, and my psychopathology professor told me the anger was a normal part of the course of grief. Evereyone was very nice to me. I got to my own cardio doc this afternoon on the way home and had the return of my arrhythmia officially confirmed. No surprises there. Got a gentle lecture on resting more and gaining back some weight slowly so as not to further stress my heart.

Then tonight I realized one of the few good things that has come of all this is the fact that, after three months, I finally have my house back to myself. No more hospice workers coming in and out. No more nurses and pharmaceutical/medical equipment deliveries. No more lingering death vigil attendees (I love my parents, my younger sister, my aunt, my cousins, and the rest of my family, but I was ready to have some privacy again). The silence, I believe, is going to be the most healing thing. I also find it haunting at times, but mostly I like it.

So that's the update for now. My professor told me to expect an emotional roller coaster for a while, which makes me uneasy since my normal state is fairly steady and sunny, but I've got to get through this and feel it and express it and let it work its way out. So I shall.

I miss my sister like crazy. (Time to cry some more.)