My sister, Charlotte Elizabeth, 1955 - 2006

[birdgirl73]

Thanks, everyone, for your continued kind messages. Tootise, I sent you a little message, as you'll discover.

I'm OK today. Yesterday was rough as could be. Cried on and off all day. Then last night, I just felt furiously angry, which almost scared me because the emotion was so strong. I did a little therapeutic screaming to let off some steam (screamed into a pillow in the far end of the house) and then went to bed and and tossed and turned all night. What I really wanted to do was drive a blue pickup truck through the front of a glass building, emerge from the cab, and begin shooting everything in sight. A punching bag would also have come in handy.

Somehow today was better. Felt more like myself again. Returned to school (I only missed parts of two days of school through all this) and made it through that, and my psychopathology professor told me the anger was a normal part of the course of grief. Evereyone was very nice to me. I got to my own cardio doc this afternoon on the way home and had the return of my arrhythmia officially confirmed. No surprises there. Got a gentle lecture on resting more and gaining back some weight slowly so as not to further stress my heart.

Then tonight I realized one of the few good things that has come of all this is the fact that, after three months, I finally have my house back to myself. No more hospice workers coming in and out. No more nurses and pharmaceutical/medical equipment deliveries. No more lingering death vigil attendees (I love my parents, my younger sister, my aunt, my cousins, and the rest of my family, but I was ready to have some privacy again). The silence, I believe, is going to be the most healing thing. I also find it haunting at times, but mostly I like it.

So that's the update for now. My professor told me to expect an emotional roller coaster for a while, which makes me uneasy since my normal state is fairly steady and sunny, but I've got to get through this and feel it and express it and let it work its way out. So I shall.

I miss my sister like crazy. (Time to cry some more.)

[daima]

Many of you whoâ??re familiar with me know that my familyâ??s been in the long, painful process of losing my older sister to ovarian cancer in recent months. Bess died very early this morning, surrounded by our family. She fought a courageous battle against her cancer for nearly five years, and her terminal condition only became clear within the last four months or so as the disease spread to her brain.

Itâ??s very hard for me to write about the type of person she was right now. But if youâ??ve ever known someone who was an ideal combination of spirit, beauty, and intelligence, that was Bess. She taught me as much or more about how to value life, respect others, and love from the bottom of my heart than any other person on this earth. She wasnâ??t just my older sister but also my oldest and best friend, my favorite role model, and my first â??teacher.â?� My parents say she was so delighted to find herself with a baby sister when she was 6 that she played school with me from the time my infant carrier could be propped upright. She was determined to knock some sense into my head, and she grew up to be a career teacher. Iâ??ve clearly grown up to be a perpetual student. Still a troublesome one, too.

Thanks and much love to the many of you whoâ??ve conveyed well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts over these last months as Iâ??ve been facing this. I apologize to others of you for whom this news comes as a surprise or who don't know me. It was often awkward at best to directly mention the fact that she was dying, and it was frequently a much-needed emotional break for me to simply come to the boards and play, discussing other subjects. It was Bessâ?? last rounds of chemo this past summer that led me to this site, looking for information regarding medical mj. Cannabis gave her some of the most pleasant, chemo-symptom-free time she had early last summer, and Iâ??ll never regret helping make that possible. The only thing I regretâ??and this makes me mad as heck when I think about itâ??is that we had to break the law to do so. That, to me, is the real crimeâ??that in our state and still far too many other states and countries, people who need medical cannabis are denied safe, legal access to it.

If youâ??re so inclined, hereâ??s a way you can honor my sister. Please tell your family or friends that you love them tonight. Then tell them again tomorrow. Then keep telling them that for the rest of your days. Practice random acts of kindness whenever you can. And work hard at being nice to other people. Some make this a very challenging thing to do, I know. But when you think about it, theyâ??re nearly always the ones who need our kindness far more than the ones who make it easy. These were lessons I learned from my sister Bess.

I may not be online very frequently during the next three days, but Iâ??ll check in when I can. Just as an FYI for the detectives among you, weâ??re not running any notices in the online Dallas-area news sites anytime soon, if ever. Weâ??ve been in touch personally with everyone who needs to know the details of her services, and this decision not only helps protect our privacy but also helps prevent us from being generously over-loved by my husbandâ??s very dear current and former patients, many of whom are senior citizens with limited means.

Take care, everyone. Much love and light to each of you and yours tonight.

Good Morning BG,
i just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
When things get rough, and you find yourself missing your sister, i would like you to imagine that she is in a place where it is always safe and warm.
I do that with my wife and it seems to make all the difference in the world.

dai*ma:stoned:

[birdgirl73]

Hello, Daima, my friend. I'll try that trick where I imagine her as safe and warm and see if that helps. I can't tell you how much I've thought about what you said earlier as I'm seeing leaves fall off the trees. That's only just beginning right now in Texas.

I'm very low tonight, I'm afraid. I'm swinging between hopelessly depressed and sad, violently angry, and numb. I can't concentrate. I'm having bad dreams. It's just the very fresh grief, I'm sure. But I'm not myself and I wish I felt more normal right now. Thank you for inquiring. Just going through the fire right now, I think. And tonight's not been a good one. Wish I could report better news, but that's where I am right now. Hugs to you, Daima. Wish you were here to give me a real one. I'd could use it.

[daima]

Hello, Daima, my friend. I'll try that trick where I imagine her as safe and warm and see if that helps. I can't tell you how much I've thought about what you said earlier as I'm seeing leaves fall off the trees. That's only just beginning right now in Texas.

I'm very low tonight, I'm afraid. I'm swinging between hopelessly depressed and sad, violently angry, and numb. I can't concentrate. I'm having bad dreams. It's just the very fresh grief, I'm sure. But I'm not myself and I wish I felt more normal right now. Thank you for inquiring. Just going through the fire right now, I think. And tonight's not been a good one. Wish I could report better news, but that's where I am right now. Hugs to you, Daima. Wish you were here to give me a real one. I'd could use it.

If i may make a suggestion?
do not deny yourself your feelings.
they are yours, you own them, and there is nothing wrong with them.
As a cyber friend..i dont want just all the good new. I want the bad, the ugly, ...all of it. You are very normal. I would be concerned if you werent feeling the feelings you are feeling.
dai*ma:stoned:

[Skrappie]

I am happy to hear she is no longer in pain

[daima]

I'm so sorry that you lost someone so meaningful in your life. But it sounded like you had a very strong relationship and I'm sure she lives on inside you I'll certainly be smoking one for her and will be sending a prayer your way.

you're a good kid, kidd.:thumbsup:

dai*ma:stoned:

[birdgirl73]

If i may make a suggestion?
do not deny yourself your feelings.
they are yours, you own them, and there is nothing wrong with them.
As a cyber friend..i dont want just all the good new. I want the bad, the ugly, ...all of it. You are very normal. I would be concerned if you werent feeling the feelings you are feeling.
dai*ma:stoned:

Hey again, Daima. I promise I'm not denying the feelings. I'm mature enough and have done enough work on myself that I know how to identify, feel and express them. I'm just a little wiped out because the volume of emotion right now is so strong and because I can't sleep while this is so intense. I feel like a crazy person right now. I know I have to go through this to get to the other side. But I certainly wish I had my ability to concentrate back . . . . that's the aspect of the "old me" that I miss the most.

[smok3y]

Really sorry to hear that.. She's in a better place now, looking down on you and your family...
My condolences to you and your family... May Bess rest in peace

[phoenix]

Hey birdgirl,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you're doing well (as much as circumstances allow), but maybe it was just her time, you know? It seems like you made her last years as comfortable as possible, try to be happy in that.

Cheers,
Max

[Binzhoubum]

Hey Birdgirl,

I just caught this post. I am sorry to hear about your loss. Hope to see you online again sometime in the near future.

Best, peace, and love,

Binzhoubum