This post is definitley something of deep interest to me, for several reasons.

First off, I will say that I do know, to some extent, what you're going through. My story is similar to yours, too. I had a girl back in high school. We met soph. year and all the way up to the day we graduated, we became best friends and fell in love. Then she went off to college, got some prickhead boyfriend, and I haven't seen her in a year. Now I'm not beating myself up too bad like you seem to be, but rather look back at the good times we had, every now and then, and smile. I will admit I find myself daydreaming about her randomly, but it's not really that large a presence like your thoughts are. I would call it a subtle little reminder in the back of my head, making random appearances to either crack a smile or maybe cause me to cringe at 'what could have been'.

I would think that you need to seek some professional help because you have become deeply attatched to something that will never be. Instead of moving on, you're wallowing in your pain, only making things worse. From what it sounds like, it's also preventing you from moving on in nearly every aspect of your life, which is not healthy. Not to sound cruel, but it's like you're constantly feeling sorry for yourself versus picking yourself up and living life. Life might feel like it's passing you by, no? If you personally cannot work out these demons, don't feel shame, but instead seek the help of a professional, because otherwise it won't get better and eventually lead you down a path you probably hadn't intended on taking.

Please don't take any of my comments as negative; I'm just voicing what I have noticed after reading this for some time. But I can definitely relate to you as far as the pain goes. It's hard sometimes to think of life without her, or that you'll end up with someone else instead of her, if anyone at all. You just have to be a good friend, wish her the best, and get your life straightened out.

If you two are meant to be, your souls might reconnect years later. In the meantime, holding onto something that isn't there is no way to live life. It's no life at all, really.

It's like watching your favorite movie over and over again. Sure it's a GREAT movie, but after the credits roll, you get up off the couch, and life goes on. It doesn't make much sense to continue to watch that same movie while the world around you moves along, am I right? Memories are much like movies in that sense; they are great for making you smile or reminisce of old times, but to be stuck watching the same thing over and over is just painful, and no one should have to go through that.

Hopefully you can take something away from this, but if not, I wish you the best in all that your life has to offer. ~

"Remember the past, but look to the future"