You'd be happy to know that absolutely nothing you said was incoherent. Infact what you mentioned about pride struck many a chord. My pride has pushed me into a realm of greed, yet I feel as though I'd sacrifice my own enlightenment for the sake of another along the journey. And you're absolutely correct on thought. It has indeed been deep, agonizing thought that has influenced this enlightenment.

The idea lingers deep within my mind still. Pride fucks with me over and over again. Pride leads to doubts and I spiral down again. I can accept this concept with pride that I'm contributing to another's revolution of mind or enlightenment. I take it on (this is like an oath lol). Yet, there's been a disconnection. One that I have difficulty reattaching. And now I'm the one urging for that connection. Maybe of one that has been gone astray? Or perhaps it is me that has gone astray?

You say 'don't let a flurry of thoughts beat me up', yet this reconnection is not coming naturally. So much pain has nearly desensitized me to the ones who I am bonded with (I hope my words fill you in). It's like I'm deaf, dumb and blind to those who hold a connection with me, but yet I urge for that feeling. Not of enlightenment perse, but the love that once bonded us closely together. I crave to feel that way about my friends once again. Still confused, I am. How can there be love for me and I not share it back?