Kerry elected -- Better than Bush.
Jesus returns -- I assume you mean Jesús, which must be some sort of Mexican guy, in which case this is nothing spectacular.
Nun's jello cat-fight -- Unorthodox and intriguing, however gelatin disgusts me.
Torog admitting he likes liberals -- Torog is a slave to the system and I don't really care much about his opinion.
Sex with my clone -- Would that make me bisexual? Hmm...in any case, I'd rather just masturbate.
Waking up with DD-cups -- Holy mother of Cthulhu! Being a man, I don't think that would be too pleasant.
Front row seats to Armageddon -- That movie had so many blatant technical errors it made me want to vomit, not to mention a horrible storyline. Plus, it wasn't even armageddon! If I pay to see a movie called Armageddon, I expect the world to be decimated in the end, dammit!
Finding out that my dad is Superman -- That would be horrible, considering he just died.
Team America wins Academy Awards -- I haven't seen the movie so I can't comment.
Making love with you -- Assuming you're a man, and considering the fact that my sexual orientation is heterosexual, this would also be an unpleasant occurrence. I will pass.

So my choice is Kerry becoming president. I don't really care where he stands on issues or what he thinks, but so long as he CAN think, that makes him better than George "Bomb the Brown People to Hell in the Name of the Lord" Bush.