Joke Time!

[Snorbel]

Well, once upon a time there was a little girl who became an orphan after her parents were in a terrible car accident. After getting the paperwork settled, the court granted custody to the only person they could find... her uncle.

Her uncle just happened to be a grade A loser. He was a recovering alcoholic, could hardly hold down a job, and rarely got laid. He picked her up from temporary foster care, and drove him to his apartment. Already tired from his job, her incessant whining for food made him toss his hands up in agony. He rummaged around in his cupboard and found a beaten up box of Lucky Charms. Not knowing how old it was and not really caring, he poured the girl a fatty bowl of charms and told her, "Eat your charms, I'm going to take a fucking shower!"

He ran the water, jumped in, soaped himself down and just got to scrubbing his balls when he heard the curtain open...
There was the little girl, wide-eyed and speechless, staring straight at his pecker with her innocent eyes. After an awkward moment of silence, neither party knowing what to do, she pointed and asked, "What's that?"

To which he replied with the first thing that came to his mind, "Why... That's my... 'juicer' of course."

He grabbed a towel to cover his genitals and sat the girl down in front of the T.V. However, the incident frightened him so much that all he could think about was a nice drink to forget his troubles. He took out the scotch, had a few drinks, and noticed it was getting late. He set up the couch and told the girl to get ready for bed.

After the drinks he got the urge to urinate, so he went into the bathroom and had just started a nice stream going when he heard a gasp come from behind. Turning around, the girl had assumed the same wide-eyed and speechless position watching him piss standing up.

"Damn," he thought to himself, "I'm so used to living alone and not closing the door."

Remembering his metaphor from before, he nervously stammered out, "Don't worry, sweetie, your uncle's just making some lemonade with his juicer. Now go to bed."

He saw her disappear and zipped himself up after he finished voiding himself. Now, of course, he felt very awkward because he was so bad at working with kids. He pretended nothing had happened and went over to kiss the girl goodnight. With his clothes on the floor, he jumped in his bed and turned off the light.

He was almost asleep when he heard some noises and what sounded like mice brushing over the carpet. He opened his eyes to see the girl in the moonlight, standing right in front of him, and staring at him with a murderous glare. He nearly jumped out of his skin, rubbed his eyes, and looked at her once again to see that she was just scared and looking at the carpet.

"I'm lonely," she said, "Can I sleep with you?"

She was getting rather annoying and, although he knew he was naked, he just wanted to shut her up, so he let her into the other side of the bed.

"Now go to sleep," he murmured sleepily as he drifted into sleepland.

Again he was disturbed. "I'm thirsty," was the complaint from the little girl.

The uncle moaned as he thought about getting up. "What do you want?"

"Why didn't you give me any of that lemonade you were making?" the girl asked.

"What lemonade!" said the man, "I don't know what you are talking about. I hardly have anything to drink but scotch and water," forgetting all about the previous incident. He thought about lemonade and wondered what the girl was talking about in his half-drunk state. But the drinks had also made him tired, so he dozed off without getting the girl anything to drink.

In his dream, he was walking between rows of tall, green skyscrapers. The streets were deserted, but each building was a store and the storefront windows revealed tons of dolls screaming out to him, asking him questions, and begging for him to take them home.

"No," he cried, "I don't like dolls. I don't know how to take care of you. Leave me alone!"

He started running, faster and faster, but no matter how far he ran he could still hear them and see the dolls from the windows in each and every store.

He cupped his hands over his ears, but it didn't even lower the volume. Instead, they got louder! He had no escape... but up. He took off, soaring into the sky and at peace with himself. Suddenly, a striking woman appeared on a cloud. He flew over and started fervent coitus. Back and forth, back and forth, it was bliss.

He released and opened his eyes. He was sleeping and covered in sweat. Then he remembered about the girl. Urgently, he tossed back the covers to find the girl staring up at him with semen streaked across her nose and cheek.

Not knowing what to say, he said, "What happened?"

To which the girl replied, "Well, for starters, I was terribly thirsty and angry at you for not sharing the lemonade you made earlier. Then you fell asleep without getting me anything to drink at all. I knew I was on my own, so I tried to use your juicer. I thought I got it to turn on, but then it didn't make me any lemonade, so I hit it and it gave me a piña colada instead!"







~:thumbsup:
comments?

[slipknotpsycho]

he enjoys having his balls smacked? o.0

[Kenn]

heard that one before snorb a slightly shorter version.

[Snorbel]

How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?







When you find the Internet history is filled with porn sites, the keys on the keyboard are crushed, and the joystick smells like pussy.
---------------------------------------------------------


A blonde dons her favorite bikini and heads to the pool with her friends, a brunette, and a redhead. They get bored and the brunette suggests they have a breast stroke race. The brunette barely beats out the redhead and they wait for what seems like forever waiting for the blonde.

"Geez, you're slow!" said the brunette to the blonde.

"Fuck you, you cheater. I saw you use your arms!" the blonde exclaimed.

[Kenn]

lmfao good one snorb .i love blonde jokes

[Kenn]

Name an animal with a cunt in the middle of its back..........................................a police horse.

[graph]

A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building. Who hits the ground first?


They both hit the floor at the same time. Hair color does not affect the pull of gravity.

[Snorbel]

Actually a number of factors would determine their terminal velocities, including clothes, limb position, and mass.

Sorry, don't mean to be an ass and ruin your joke. You're right about hair color being irrelevant

[slipknotpsycho]

A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building. Who hits the ground first?


They both hit the floor at the same time. Hair color does not affect the pull of gravity.

you said jump off a building, not inside...

[daima]

For those familiar with music theory, you may chuckle, may. And if you don't understand music, well skip this one:

One evening, a C, an Eb (said E flat, for those of you unused to notation), and
a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E flat
leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.

D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be
a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative
of C isn't a minor.

He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're
the 7th minor I've found here tonight."

The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until
his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This
could be a major development."

Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else,
and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale
correctional facility.

On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and
that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

what do you call a Banjo player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

dai*ma:stoned: