Joke Time!

[MaryjaneAndHashley]

english humour is the best, jokes 1,2 and 4 were perfect


i hope you get this one

little johnny asks his mum 'where do babies come from?'

'the stork brings them johnny'

confused little johnny asks 'who fucks the stork then?'

haha yes i did even if i've never heard stork (i guess thats ''cigogne'')
...i learnt something today :dance: (lol)

[Ammie]

>A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and
> noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
> his collar that way.
>
> The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
> The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
>
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
> many."
> The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
> doesn't wear his collar that way."
>
> The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
> went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
> said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
> collar. "

[Oneironaut]

A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

[yoda]

q: what did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?
a: gee, you knit?

q: why couldnt g-unit get on the bus?
a: they didnt have 50cent

q: why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
a: for drizzle

[Oneironaut]

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his laundry?
Bleeyotch.

[CultureCherryPopper]

For those familiar with music theory, you may chuckle, may. And if you don't understand music, well skip this one:

One evening, a C, an Eb (said E flat, for those of you unused to notation), and
a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E flat
leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.

D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be
a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative
of C isn't a minor.

He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're
the 7th minor I've found here tonight."

The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until
his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This
could be a major development."

Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else,
and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale
correctional facility.

On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and
that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

[Kenn]

what have blondes and cow shit got in common ?..............The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

[Kenn]

What do you call a pregnant terrorist suicide bomber?............................A baby boomer.

[Kenn]

Two snakes slithering thru the grass,when one turns to the other and says "are we venomous snakes man or what?" the other replies nah dude were pythons we choke our prey. " thank fuck for that i was worried i just bit my lip.

[FeastonThisSHITT]

A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks up at him and says "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out!" The string, dismayed, leaves the bar. The piece of string really wants to get drunk, so he sits on the sidewalk for a while thinking of how he can get a drink at the bar, when he gets an idea. He frays himself up, ties himself into a knot, and goes back into the bar. The bartender glares at him and says "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just five minutes ago?" to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

This one makes me feel like killing myself.