Quote Originally Posted by WeedFaerie420
My point about you using the Marx quote was that it wasn't worded right. If it isn't clear to the reader but you can explain it well with your above response to me, then that just means you need to clarify and elaborate or re-word that part.
Also, as for the incorporation of the Marx quote, you didn't say that religion is much like love; they weren't being similarily compared although that may have been your intentions. You said, "Marx once said, 'Religion is the Opium of the masses'. For everyone else, there is love. If Marx was right, then love must be the heroin of the masses." "for everyone else, there is love." <--You put the two (religion and love) in an either/or, one or the other position. Maybe if you said instead something like: "Marx once said, 'Religion is the Opium of the masses'. If Marx was right, love, like religion, must be the heroin of the masses". Do you get what i'm saying now? You just need to clarify that it is a comparison based on similarity and not a "one or the other" statement. Saying, "for everyone else", reads as: for those who don't have religion, they have love.

You never addressed what I said about sympathy:

"--I think you should elaborate more on the Sympathy part. It seemed out of place and I don't connect it to the rest of your writing. Why did this woman desire sympathy, is that really the root of it all?"

Yes, you're right, if you switched the male to the female, it could be then be deemed a "man-hating" tone, that just means that there is a gender hating component and you saying that is admitting to it. The fact is you decided to make the victim male, and so it is "woman-hating" in tone, especially with the overgeneralizations. You said you were going for bitter, and that is how it read.
okay fair enough. i'll elaborate on the sympathy part.

when i was writing this, i was bitterly reflecting on a broken relationship. when i was first becoming involved with this girl, it seemed like her world was shattered, and she was very ... eh, how should i say it.. "needy", i guess the word is. I felt as if she was reaching out to someone; the someone being myself. It's just a personal reference. she was looking for sympathy, and that is what I gave her. If I were writing a short story, or fiction, then I would see it fit to elaborate more , as it would become necessary plot details. However in this piece of writing, I was just calming my nerves. a writing exercise, I suppose. but i do see your point.

In response to the marx issue, I can see your point here also. when I wrote "for everybody else, there is love", i was making reference to people who aren't religious. I like your rendition better though; it's more clear, and it conveys my intent.

i appreciate the constructive criticism. it's better than people flaming my work had i taken the time to try to make this a masterpiece, i would have probably re-worded some of it. mind you , this was written in less than 15 minutes... if that sounds unbelievable, you should see me on a keyboard typing at well over 110 WPM

Birdgirl--your comments are welcome also. i dont mind at all!

on a final thought, one could see this piece as a personal inner monologue. I typed this as I thought it. That is to say, I didn't spend much time correcting anything. I just typed as it flowed from my thoughts. you know what i mean?