I need advice

[Marlboroman]

Oblio, Very sound and constructive advice. Thank You.

Hopefully, it will never come to any of that, this will never have a day in court if we are both reasonable.

I believe I will take allot of your advice, as for who could support them better, the answer is her.

As for who they would be better off with, well thats a toss up. neither of us are abusive, addicts, or alcholics. We just dont get along, nor am I attracted to her physically, mentally, or spiritualy.

We DO NOT have argeuments, I personally refuse to have any conversation with her about this divorce outside of a therapists or mediators office, any discussion we have had to this poiint has been mojnitored by a proffesional.

I really do believe we are both working in the childrens best interests, except when the issue of me paying support is on the table. Logically it doesnt make sense to have me pay when she makes the percentage above me she does. Maybe its just a logic thing on my part, but it just doesnt seem to make sense.

She does know im a member here, altho she does not know my screen name, but asking a mod to delete is a good idea.

Peace Oblio, and sorry for the defensive stance. I try to stay fluid, but dont always manage it.

[Oblio]

No problem...just make sure you have a paper trail of each payment you make to her or a reciept showing you did. MAKE sure it is in HER handwriting. She can then not say you missed payments and have you thrown in jail. If she claims you missed a payment the state can take over. This means you send payment to them and they forward it to her. NO DEAL you to make can supercied a court order.

In texas all payments go through the state and the charge 5 dollars each. This is a HUGE revenue builder for them. You state may have similar.

If you get a gut feeling the mediator is favoring her..then becareful.

As for some advice from others...in some states the child can make a choice which parent they want to stay with. This on the norm is 14 to 15 yrs of age or higher. Some maybe be lower, i don't know. In most cases children want to stay with the parent who lets them get away with the most. Do not let your kids pit you two against each other...you will know if this is happening.
"Mom grounds me when i make a D, i want to go live with dad"
"Dad make me do dishes and mow the yard, I want to move in with mom"

You two also need to think which of you live in the better school district...this is very important. If your kids are good at sports, which school might they be able to make first string. Getting them into a college with scholarships for anything they excel in could be far more than the total of child support you could ever pay.

Always think of the big picture ! Now-a-days it is very hard to get any job that allows for a comfortable living without some type of degree. Every parent should want their kids to have a better life then they did.

Some states can mandate you pay CS for 4 yrs past high school graduation if they are attending college. BEFORE signing anything from a mediator..ask to take the paperwork home to read it over in peace and quiet. They should not object unless they fear you catching a certian wording. This can give you a chance to have legal counsel or a knowledgable person read it over. Once you sign anything it is a done deal and will take a lot to get it changed.

[Marlboroman]

No problem...just make sure you have a paper trail of each payment you make to her or a reciept showing you did. MAKE sure it is in HER handwriting. She can then not say you missed payments and have you thrown in jail. If she claims you missed a payment the state can take over. This means you send payment to them and they forward it to her. NO DEAL you to make can supercied a court order.

Yes this is true, this worries me allot, seeing that she has lied to me in the past, I fully expect her to come at me at a later date wanting more.

In texas all payments go through the state and the charge 5 dollars each. This is a HUGE revenue builder for them. You state may have similar.

It doesnt cost anything, but I have had a close friend go this route, it didnt work out for her tho, he had his boss pay him off the books whenever she was being wicked about things and messed with her money. Then he would say, hey what can I tell ya, I had to take a week off, boss told me to stay home, if you would get that deduction off, I would be able to pay you with a check.

If you get a gut feeling the mediator is favoring her..then becareful. I dont get this feeling, what I do see is that they try very hard to get people to agree, not favoring one or the other mind you, just seems like they arent looking out for either of us. Fair is what 2 people agree on is fair, what someone else may think is a raw deal, may seem fair to someone else.

As for some advice from others...in some states the child can make a choice which parent they want to stay with. This on the norm is 14 to 15 yrs of age or higher. Some maybe be lower, i don't know. In most cases children want to stay with the parent who lets them get away with the most. Do not let your kids pit you two against each other...you will know if this is happening.
"Mom grounds me when i make a D, i want to go live with dad"
"Dad make me do dishes and mow the yard, I want to move in with mom"

Here its 12 years old if the judge or childrens advocate deems them capable, hopefully, this stuff wont be needed.

You two also need to think which of you live in the better school district...this is very important. If your kids are good at sports, which school might they be able to make first string. Getting them into a college with scholarships for anything they excel in could be far more than the total of child support you could ever pay.

I plan on liveing in the same school district, ATM, she pays over 10k a year for them to go to a private religiuos school I am against it whole heartedly, but its a battle I cant win.

Always think of the big picture ! Now-a-days it is very hard to get any job that allows for a comfortable living without some type of degree. Every parent should want their kids to have a better life then they did.

I am in a union, and would make enough to live in a nice neighborhood, not a big house, but a nice neighborhood is very important for my kids, not even close to being as nice as the one they live in now, but one that I wont be afraid for them to play with the other kids on the block. Its a different world here, its play dates and such, nothing like where i grew up.

Some states can mandate you pay CS for 4 yrs past high school graduation if they are attending college. BEFORE signing anything from a mediator..ask to take the paperwork home to read it over in peace and quiet. They should not object unless they fear you catching a certian wording. This can give you a chance to have legal counsel or a knowledgable person read it over. Once you sign anything it is a done deal and will take a lot to get it changed.

Here you have to pay until they graduate college or get amancipated, the same friend who had his money deducted from his check is going thru this now, not only did he pay for her to go to college but he is still paying child support while she is away. This child isnt even his BTW, he married this girl after she had her, the judge ordered him to support that child. This comes into play because im not exactly sure our forth child is even mine. Ill have a DNA test before its all said and done tho..

Man you got some know how in ya, I'm glad you posted.

Peace.

[LordSmaug]

You could like.... you know, get a decent JOB and that could completely shatter the whole "poor me" attitude you have. If anyone's in poverty for more than a year it's their own fault. -I know for personal experience-

[zero2104]

if she makes more than you, than shouldnt u gain money on the divorce and she pay you for child support

and don't give up your kids man,

my parents got divorced wen i was young and my parents split custody, and i am fine

[smokeygirl]

You may not have a choice in child support. If you don't have custody of the kids, the judge automatically makes a judgement for child support. My girlfriend went through a divorce, knew her ex didn't have money and drew up papers with her lawyer and his that no child support was required but the judge dismissed that and made him pay support so she said she only required 100 dollars a month but in reality she only takes a dollar a month from him. She never bashed him in front of the kid and lets him see him all the time even though he doesn't pay supprt. She put her kids needs in front of her own. Being a child of divorced parents who fought in front of us and bashed each other, please don't do that, it really hurts the kids, having to choose, having to defend a parent. Whatever you do, put the kids first.........thanks.

[Inferius]

You may not have a choice in child support. If you don't have custody of the kids, the judge automatically makes a judgement for child support. My girlfriend went through a divorce, knew her ex didn't have money and drew up papers with her lawyer and his that no child support was required but the judge dismissed that and made him pay support so she said she only required 100 dollars a month but in reality she only takes a dollar a month from him. She never bashed him in front of the kid and lets him see him all the time even though he doesn't pay supprt. She put her kids needs in front of her own. Being a child of divorced parents who fought in front of us and bashed each other, please don't do that, it really hurts the kids, having to choose, having to defend a parent. Whatever you do, put the kids first.........thanks.

I went through the same expirience, except my mother was ruthless. She brainwashed me to tell the counselor certain things, she lied, and she never once refrained from bashing my father.
All of this can be fucking devastating on a child. For the child's sake, don't draw this out. The faster this is over, the sooner all of you can emotionally heal, and resume a more stable life, which is what a child needs most.
And yeah, get everything signed in legal documents...

[UncleChunky]

Marlboro,
I didn't read the other posts cause I've been where you are. There are attorneys that deal specifically with the father and know how to protect your right and make sure that you dont get screwed. As far as how much you need to pay, they look at your potential earnings and that of your ex and determine what you need to pay. Do a search on the net for the fathers advocates/lawyers they will help you with atty fees as well. From here on out document EVERYTHING that takes place between you and your ex. Good luck!