I need advice

[Oblio]

just sign away your parental rights. I reread your post and it is all about "you". "You" living in poverty. "You" having to move back to texas.

"YOU" have to be a good father and role model. Get your spine straight! If she makes more money then ask for alimony. If you are talking to lawyers that are going to cost you 200k....that's absurd. I think "you" need to start now by giving up any extras in your life and save money. Cigs, Dope, Movies, Cd's, and everything else that is not needed to survive. "You" can not wait 3 to 4 years to be a responsible parent.

Do not be weak. You have a choice now that will be a judge of your character for the rest of your life.

[birdgirl73]

I hope you can keep trying to work with that mediator. The whole situation is troubling to me. There's got to be a way to settle on something you can both live with that will allow you to share custody and also at least nonminally support the kids financially without having to move away from them to do so.

Even though I know it's hard for you to contemplate, I think it's emotionally important for the kids to know you willingly contributed to their support. They're going through enough turmoil with divorcing parents as it is. Whatever you can work out, get it put firmly in writing so she can't weasel out of an agreed arrangement.

Divorce is so hard on everyone, especially when kids are involved, and I had no idea a custody battle was so pricey these days. In custody-contested divorces (and most others, too) someone's always the loser financially. At least that's what they taught us in family law. The petitioner has an advantage, and if that person is also the one who makes the most money, well, it's a greater advantage.

This may be a stupid question, but is there any hope that you could make an arrangement to postpone the divorce for a while? Not in order to reconcile as much as to coast for a while in a situation that'll allow you both fair access to the kids and let you continue being the stay-at-home dad? Or are things already too far gone and angry for that?

[LordSmaug]

which parent they want to stay with should be the choice of the children. Not either of the parents. It sounds like you're playing more of a maternal role in the parenting at any rate. And since she makes more money than you do it would make sense that you got the kids plus child support from her. If you never brought in money while you where married there's no reason she needs your money after your divorced.

[MsStrawberrySwisher]

I doubt they have you pay child support if she makes 120% more than you. It's impossible. I have so many friends and co-workers going through the same thing, so best believe you are not alone. Make sure you keep all receipts, documents and anything related to you and your child together.

Once I had a friend who divorced from his wife, but he still picked his daugther up and bought her essentials (clothes, school stuff, food). Why this chick take him to court and told the judge he never does anything for her. When the court asked him for receipts, he couldn't produce them. He almost lost his job cuz the judge sentenced him to jail for child support. So make sure your i's are dotted, T's are crossed and keep praying.

[Marlboroman]

just sign away your parental rights. I reread your post and it is all about "you". "You" living in poverty. "You" having to move back to texas.

"YOU" have to be a good father and role model. Get your spine straight! If she makes more money then ask for alimony. If you are talking to lawyers that are going to cost you 200k....that's absurd. I think "you" need to start now by giving up any extras in your life and save money. Cigs, Dope, Movies, Cd's, and everything else that is not needed to survive. "You" can not wait 3 to 4 years to be a responsible parent.

Do not be weak. You have a choice now that will be a judge of your character for the rest of your life.

OK, you need to stop being so judgemental, you dont even have your facts straight for one thing.

All of the things ive said that differ from the regular divorce are obtainable in mediation.

Second, why ask for alimony then turn around and pay it back in support?

That make any sense to you?

Next, just being here for my children is suppoprt, Ill say it again, I am not from this area, If i cannot survive, or if I can only survive in the ghetto, how much of a role model am I being for my children?

How will my children see me when I live on a block with gangbangers and crack houses?

Because let me tell you, thats whats in the neighborhoods that I would be in should I have to pay support. Ya, so that dont make sense to you, oh well, thats not really my issue. An apartment here runs equally expensive as houseing, that dont make sense to you?, again not my issue.

Unless you have personal experience with these matters, id suggest you take your weakness coments and pack them. This is extremely difficult thing to go thru, the threat of being forced away from my children is much harder of an issue than my father passing away.

Your entire 2 posts(lifetime) say you have no idea what it is your talking about.

Take your judgemental ass back to reading posts, and dont open your mouth till you have something constructive to say.

[Marlboroman]

I hope you can keep trying to work with that mediator. The whole situation is troubling to me. There's got to be a way to settle on something you can both live with that will allow you to share custody and also at least nonminally support the kids financially without having to move away from them to do so.

Even though I know it's hard for you to contemplate, I think it's emotionally important for the kids to know you willingly contributed to their support. They're going through enough turmoil with divorcing parents as it is. Whatever you can work out, get it put firmly in writing so she can't weasel out of an agreed arrangement.

Divorce is so hard on everyone, especially when kids are involved, and I had no idea a custody battle was so pricey these days. In custody-contested divorces (and most others, too) someone's always the loser financially. At least that's what they taught us in family law. The petitioner has an advantage, and if that person is also the one who makes the most money, well, it's a greater advantage.

This may be a stupid question, but is there any hope that you could make an arrangement to postpone the divorce for a while? Not in order to reconcile as much as to coast for a while in a situation that'll allow you both fair access to the kids and let you continue being the stay-at-home dad? Or are things already too far gone and angry for that?

I think staying with mediation is best for us too. And I plan to keep working it this way till I have no other options.

In the matter of paying nominal amount of support. If its such a small amount why does it need to be paid is my question?
Is it just, "well hes paying what he can pay"? Is that the thiking here?
Because to be honest, it seems a much better use of the money to then use it to be able to take my kids to six flags, or on vacation somewhere, to be a better role model to use Oblio's words.

Bottom line is she doesnt need my money, and in the past, said she would give a waiver because she doesnt need it.

Your right, a court divorce would finacially wreck us both, she would be responsible for my court costs tho, but that doesnt take away that in the end its still my money as well.

I dont want to postpone it, its been years in the makeing, its taken me 2 years to get her, a CPA to make a budget for this family.

Not that I havent tried to make one, but she would never follow one, I would call cable and cancel extras, she would call and order other extras. Things like that riddle this relationship. As far as access, I plan to have joint custody, and if I had it my way that would live with me 50% of the time, I love my kids very much, I am now and always will be a big part of their lives, this is why its very important for me to be able to not only survive here but to be able to live.

Peace BG

[Pipe Dreams]

Hmm. I would get it all LEGALLY documented and written down. I wouldnt say a damn word to her without my lawyer present. On top of that, I would fight the SHIT out of her in court. If anything, just keep her in there to waste her money(can you do that in divorce court?) Basically, just make sure everything is documented while youre talking to her.

Either that or shoot her.

[birdgirl73]

Peace to you, too, Marlboro. I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I know it's awful on everyone involved. I'm hope you'll keep working hard to make the kids the top priority. I'm glad you're determined to be there for them and involved in their lives. Good luck!

[Oblio]

Glad you opened this up for my next comments. Yes I am a custodial father of 3 great kids. (This is why my post may have been harsh) I have fought tooth and nail for them for almost 16 yrs. I had to drive a shitty car, live in a not so good neighborhood, wear the same shoes till soles wore out, sometime not eat so there would be leftovers for their next meal. I also worked 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. The mother of my daughter has only paid 20 dollars in child support in the last 12 yrs. Taking her to court will cost me more in lawyer fees than what she owes. The deck is stack against fathers, but it is getting better. Your comments back to me did just what I wanted them too...You are taking a stand! Move away from where you are if your income can not support a decent lifestyle there, do not move into a ghetto. You do not have to have money to be happy...it helps but it henders also in other ways.

As for not having many post...i had all my prior post removed the other day. Saying I have no idea what i am talking about since i only have 2 post is absurd. That means the judge you will be in front knows even less than me since he was ZERO post here????

IF your wife knows you are a member here then you should think about every post you have made...you might want to ask a mod to remove them also. This could be used against you in court. If the Judge is anti-drug it could hurt you badly. If you smoke or do other drugs then get cleaned up long enough to at least apply for a job that requires a drug test (even if you do not want the job). If she brings up drugs..you can then submit the documents of your clean drug test. I personally would stay clean till after all court battles are over. If you both smoke then your lawyer could ask for both of you to be tested. Your lawyer could have 2 drug testing kits with him and ask for testing on the spot. IF she refuses the judge might wiegh this very heavily.

Have you sought out support groups in your area? Applied for any aid in helping you get an education in a promising job field?

On a constructive note: Start a journal keeping track of every penny you spend. After a few months you can look it over to see what you could live without. It worked for me. Start liquidating your assets to cash. Anything that your wife won't let you sale that still has payments owed can be used to show the judge. He could be inclined to make her take over the payments since it was her choice alone to keep those items. Do not fight with her over small stuff! Pick your battles that are important to you in the long run. Be the one to try and seek marriage counsuling, if she refuses this will show that you are the only one trying to do what's best for the family. From now till "your day in court" you need all the evidence you can get that you are the one with the best interest of the families well being.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! I MEAN EVERYTHING! Voice recording of arguements between you can show how her temper, actions or behavior is anti-productive for the stability of raising kids. Do not get a Holier than tho attitude. That will be counter productive.

here is a link to support group of single dads http://www.scfn.org/
Google for keywords in your area. You will find many groups. It could be hard to get custody. But if you really think your children would be better off with you and not her...then you have too. You could end up with joint custody..thats better than visitation. Once you contact a support group you could possibly meet other men that could help you land a better job, find a lawyer who will let you make payments or even waive some of his fees. Research what Judge you will go infront of. This can give you an idea of how many times he or she has giving custody to the fathers. If the Judge is Father friendly..then find a Lawyer than has a great track record with that judge in similar cases.

The road you are getting ready to travel is not an easy one. It will be hard on your whole family. A chain is only as strong as the weakest link...do not let that link be you!

Your post sound like you are educated enough to be more than a min. wage job holder. But sometimes you will have to do shitty jobs to get those few extra dollars to buy those items your kids will need. Do not forget to see if your income qualifes you for any state assistance. I have seen in several states that even the income from a teacher or police officer is low enough to recieve help.

I wish you the best of luck...Divorce and Custody is always ugly and bitter unless both people are level headed or one gives up to easy.

Just ponder this idea..."would the children be better off with me or her?" If you answer is "YOU" than you have to do everything to proof this and make it happen. If you think it might be her, then you need to put all your support behind her and eat crow when needed. I never once yelled or said a single bad thing about my kids mom to them or in front of them. THEY will remember this. As they get older they will see how much you loved them to take crap off her and that only reason you did this was because you love them. Every ugly word you say about her infront of them will be just one more small wedge between you and your children. NEVER forget they love her too (unless she has destroyed that)

on a final note, I apologize if I upset you on 2 prior post. The only goal was to get you thinking enuff to say..."I am a good father dammit and she won't belittle or make me think otherwise"

Good luck

[LIP]

Basically GET HER TO PUT IT DOWN IN WRITING in a legal document!

Good point, she cant break a legal contract. If she does than your the one calling the shots [Once you've sued her]