Okay, here's a humiliating moment. In fact, I find it hard to believe this one can be topped.

When I was in the Army and living in the barracks, I got the munchies. Unfortunately, the mess hall was closed, but I did have a half pound bag of sunflower seeds, the kind still in the shell. Well, I got lazy, and decided it was too much effort to take the shells off for those tiny little seeds, and the munchies were hitting me really badly, so I just started gobbling the seeds whole.

About 6 or 8 hours later, my stomach felt kinda weird, a little crampy, and I suddenly needed to take a crap, so I went to the bathroom and had a seat on the toilet. The problem was, the splinters from the sunflower seeds had congealed into this gigantic ball of splintery shit, and this ball was simply too big in diameter to come out of my asshole.

I grunted and groaned, but no matter how hard I tried, that huge splintery ball of shit would not come out, and with every clench of my butt muscles, splinters were being driven into the inside of my ass. It was so excruciatingly painful that I was crying and screaming, and my roommate happened to hear me and came to see what was wrong.

When I explained my predicament to my roomie, he couldn't stop laughing. He asked if there was anything he could do, get a doctor, anything? I said, no, I don't need a doctor, I need a fuckin' spoon. He started to ask why I needed a spoon of all things, then he realized what I intended to do with it, and that REALLY made him laugh. By that point, everyone in the barracks knew what was going on (in part because my screams woke up pretty much everyone), and everyone was laughing their asses off.

My roomie returned shortly and slipped me the spoon underneath the stall door. And I jammed that spoon up my ass and broke that big ass ball of splintery shit up into smaller pieces. It was pretty gross! But whatcha gonna do? I figured I'd rather do it myself than have some doctor digging around my ass doing pretty much the same thing I was doing.

After that experience, my nickname around the barracks was 'Spoon'.