When I was a little bit younger there was this woman that lived at the end of my street. She had been born with a rare deformity of the face in which her left eye was an actual small vagina. We used to call her "Ol' pussy eye" or "Magnum P.I" for short.
She used to sell some of us kids that lived round there Xanexs. Sometimes we would go over there and drink beers and stuff. It was weird but kinda cool cause she'd let us get as fucked up as we wanted to. One time she let one of my buddies stick his finger all the way in her eye. We had dared him to ask her before we went there that day. That shit was gross! She actually used to date this old man that lived behind her in the woods named "Gary".
Gary was a Vietnam War veteran that claimed he used to walk "point" for his platoon. Basically "walking point" is where one man walks several yards ahead of his squad in order to sniff out booby traps or hidden attacks. He said he was always armed with a 12 guage sawed off shotgun and had literally foiled many suprise attacks by "blowing apart" the enemy......
Gary also told us he was so good that his platoon leader started recruiting him for secret one-man missions in which he would sneak into Vietnamese camps and slit generals necks while they slept. One night when we were really drunk, he went as far to say that he got to be soooo good at that, that he could actually fuck someone in their ass before they had time to die.......
This really freaked me the fuck out.
I used to see Gary walking to her house sometimes dressed in full drag. Wig, dress, lipstick, and the whole 9.........
He said the U.S government had been after him for years because of "top secret" information that he still knew.
I guess they made a good couple.
The thing that used to really freak all of us out though was the lady's pet mutant turtle......
Not the kind from the cartoon, but a real life mutant turtle she kept in a 85 gallon aquarium she had in the living room.
Now that I think about it, it did kind of look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, just without the weapons and ninja shit on.
But, it walked on two feet just like the cartoons and was really buff and strong.... It was about the size of one of the TMNT's figurines too. You know, kinda small and shit.
She had one of those big porceline castles in the aquarium that it used to live in. I only saw that fucker a couple of times, but when I did, it scared the hell outta me. This lady must've had like a hunded fish in the tank too. Mean fuckers like Jack Dempsys and big African Cichlids. I saw that damned turtle grab one of the Cichlids one time with its bare hands and eat that fucker. Scared the fuck outta me!!! She told us it did it whenever it got hungry and that's why she kept so many fish in there.
After I moved away, I heard that turtle got pissed one night and punched a hole through the glass and escaped. Shortly after, a neighborhood kid vanished and was never seen again. Everybody says the turtle did it.
I also heard Gary flipped out one night and burned the house down while him and her were inside of it.
I don't know, I haven't been down there in a long time......

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Cooler Then Jesus Reviewed by Cooler Then Jesus on . Vagina Eyeball. When I was a little bit younger there was this woman that lived at the end of my street. She had been born with a rare deformity of the face in which her left eye was an actual small vagina. We used to call her "Ol' pussy eye" or "Magnum P.I" for short. She used to sell some of us kids that lived round there Xanexs. Sometimes we would go over there and drink beers and stuff. It was weird but kinda cool cause she'd let us get as fucked up as we wanted to. One time she let one of my buddies Rating: 5