I've thought about it countless times, seriously considered it a good deal of times, but I'm done with all that now. I realized that I was just seeking relief from being in constant pain and having no friends in the same town (I see my old friends from out of town only once every few months), then I'd become convinced everything else in life can't work out either. But a little while ago I also realized that relief can also come in the form of mental escape. I rarely can get any drugs outside of weed (which doesn't provide escape anymore), but deep meditations help sometimes. really I guess I rarely get to have that escape, I can never seem to find any shrooms (my other drug of choice, which I've only done twice), and it gets mentally exhausting as hell, but I don't kill myself because I can at least cling to the prospect of getting that drug-induced escape.

more and more often though I'm getting so emotionally exhausted from the never-ending pain, I've wanted relief so bad but I can't seem to find it. it feels like it's sucking everything out of me and I don't know what to do when I run out, I just hate existing when I get drained.