Mitch Hedberg

[da haze meister]

OMG i am pretty high right now
his shit is so HILARIOUS
omg
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedburg

At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?

I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude â?? you have to wait!"

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

post your favorites

and for peeps taht dont know him
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedburg

and heres something else funny

http://www.eng.usf.edu/~dionson/ezzay/

RIP MITCH HEDBERG

da haze meister Reviewed by da haze meister on 04-26-2006. Mitch Hedberg OMG i am pretty high right now his shit is so HILARIOUS omg http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedburg At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at? I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude â?? you have to wait!" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in Rating: 5

[acrca]

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."


* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

-This guy is funny as hell

[RevolverBlaze]

Damn, Mitch Hedberg is my absolute favorite comic. Too bad he died [RIP man] your Smaquis the frog joke was the shit.

[MaryJaneScott]

Ah Mitch.. how we miss you so....
[attachment=o62079]

I suppose I should have put this in the art thread... but I'm putting it here instead dammit! lol :thumbsup:

[paperlunatic]

shit, that guy is funny

[beachguy in thongs]

I went to that Wikiquote and the first thing I saw...

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Lmao, a hip opotamus.

[ilovebecky]

Would have been the next Jerry Seinfeld or something... it sucks wicked wicked bad he died. That guy was hilarious.

[LIP]

One of his quotes was the same as a quote i made up when i was about 10....

I used to do drugs... Still do, but i used to too.

When i made that i had no idea he already had... I think its coool me and him had the same kinda sense of humour...

[Loathsome]

To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"

When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."

...I miss Mitch Hedberg.

[MorbidImpishFae]

He was really great...shame about everything.

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough.""

I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit."