Doctor G: Passing the Piss Test

[doctor G]

I have a little free time this month, that's why you are seing so many new posts from me. Some people will say this is long, and some will say it's just right. If it's a Doctor G post expect to read for a bit

Passing the Piss Test
I donâ??t even like to think about the number of times a drug screen urine test has come into my life. Twenty five years ago I was working for a government contractor and part of the requirement for us to get contracts was that our entire work force had to be certified â??cleanâ?�. The original argument was that if you were breaking the law you could be blackmailed into releasing sensitive information. Of course the idea of just making Cannabis legal again never crossed anyoneâ??s mind so we all had to line up and piss.
There is a psychological condition where a person is physically unable to urinate while being watched and I got one of my shrink friends to give a written statement that I suffered from the condition and could only urinate in private. That helped a little but it was the sample that my twelve year old son gave me that really carried the day. Of course I had to make sure he was clean before I asked him for a sample and I think you can imagine how that conversation went.
He was quite happy to let me have a couple of cups of fresh piss which I kept in the fridge for months between tests. This was before all the modern inventions like the plastic pee pee and all that rest. It took several tries before I constructed a rubber glove with a hose that fit under my arm and the hose came out my fly. I learned to exprirement with warm water and eventually with green dye so I could spot leaks before they became nasty. When I had perfected holding the hose while squeezing my arm to my side I was ready for the big test.
I am lucky I wasnâ??t stopped on the way to work that day as Iâ??m sure the cop would have wondered why I had a large rubber glove full of urine on my dashboard being heated by the defroster. Once in the stall I was able to provide a sample for the company that met all their requirements.
Years later I applied for a job and was told if I lasted ninety days and passed all their tests they would give me the test and make me a permanent employee. Well ninety days went by and they were well impressed. I knew my stuff, I was fast and none of my work came back. I was at my work station every day ten minutes before my shift started and I would work late when ever it was needed. They were quite happy. Then came the test. I went to the lab and gave them a sample without even trying to ease my consumption. To be honest I think I smoked a bowl on the way to the test, I really did not care. A week later I got the message from the testing service and I had to call the doctor back. After a little of dancing around the issue he asked me how my cancer was.
I was shocked. I hadnâ??t noticed any health issues and I didnâ??t know if they could identify cancer from a urine test so I made some comment about did they have the right sample and all. Eventually the doctor told me that even among cancer patients taking Marinol he had never seen a THC reading as high as the sample I had provided. He thought maybe I had deliberately contaminated the sample with a THC extract of some kind just to make the lab go crazy. But after they had tested it three times they knew the readings were accurate. Being an honest person I told him that no, there was no cancer that was just my normal daily allowance of cannabis. When I was called into the company office I knew I was going to be fired but again I really didnâ??t care. The manager was sorry I had not been able to pass, but he felt I was a good employee and he wanted me to call him back as soon as I had cleaned up enough to pass the test.
One of my sons was in a lot of trouble with the law and after half a dozen arrests they put him in a rehab facility when he was less than 16. Because he had failed at rehab several times this was a kind of boot camp for druggies and one of the guiding principals was that drug use was not an individual behavior, it came from the family environment. With that in mind the entire family, including my ex wife and all his siblings, were expected to attend counseling every week and to provide a sample to be tested to show that we were all working together.
The first time I provided a sample I took the social worker off to the side and explained that I was going to test hot. I explained I had just moved a thousand miles to be closer to my son and to participate in his recovery. I told him that I accepted the conditions of the program and I would stop smoking so we could all work together.
The next week I was taken off to the side and I was told that if I did not show a marked reduction in my THC levels my son would be expelled from the program. For the first time in years he was showing some improvement in his attitude and his school work was starting to improve so I was willing to do anything on earth to help him. I stopped smoking. It was hell. After the first month the counselor took me to the side and expressed surprise at the fact that my levels were dropping. With a quick stare to make sure I understood how serious this was he repeated that a relapse would be bad for my sons recovery and did I need any help staying off the â??drugsâ?�. I knew I would be fine so I declined his offer and continued what I was doing, or not doing in this case.
After 88 days my levels finally dropped below the sensitivity of their tests and they congratulated me on my rehabilitation. HA. For my children I was willing to do whatever I could to assist in their healing. It took another six months before he was released into an outpatient program and the family was no longer required to piss together. My son thanked me for what I had done and the program really did make his life easier. I went back to smoking he did not.
About five years ago another one of my sons was working at a casino and when his girlfriend applied they wanted a sample from her. My son was washing dishes but she would be working in the cashierâ??s cage so the security procedures demanded she come clean. Of course she was smoking with my son a dozen times a day and she needed to come up with a substitute sample. All her friends were smokers and as the test date approached she was starting to become desperate. One evening at a restaurant with my son and his mother she expressed her situation and wondered out loud what she could do to keep her job. God Bless my ex wife. She had gone straight after the divorce and her current job for the county required regular testing. She was more than happy to offer her future daughter in law a sample for the lab. A couple of days later my ex sent a couple of baby food jars home with my son and they put it in the fridge until the big day.
The day of the test Sue put six ounces of clean urine into an unlubricated latex condom and then tied the end. For safety she put another condom over the first and tied that one as well. On the way to the test lab she kept the condom on the defroster to get its contents warm and she put a small penknife in her pocket. Once in the stall she closed the door, dropped her jeans, and used the penknife to make a small hole in the condom. With the appropriate sounds she directed a small sample into the cup and emptied the rest into the toilet. After a flush to get rid of the evidence she buttoned back up the jeans and handed the sample over. No fuss no muss. And of course she passed with flying colors. Talk about bonding with your in laws!

doctor G Reviewed by doctor G on 04-21-2006. Doctor G: Passing the Piss Test I have a little free time this month, that's why you are seing so many new posts from me. Some people will say this is long, and some will say it's just right. If it's a Doctor G post expect to read for a bit Passing the Piss Test I donâ??t even like to think about the number of times a drug screen urine test has come into my life. Twenty five years ago I was working for a government contractor and part of the requirement for us to get contracts was that our entire work force had to be Rating: 5

[geonagual]

I tried to read it, I swear.

[Highness]

Doctor G, I have posted this in another area but man save all your troubles all you have to do is drink enough water to piss 5 times before the test every piss after the fith time will be clean because the simple fact that your body doesnt have enought time to filter that much water through you , inso it will not pick up any trace of any drug that can be detected by tests, this is a proven method from a friend of mine that was in the pen for 13 years and he said it works and i have also had to do it and it worked. Its hard to take that on a leap of faith but it really works.

[doctor G]

I guess it depends on what kind of tests you have to go through. Those over-the- counter tests you can buy at Walgreenâ??s or the like are easily fooled by such techniques. Unfortunately if you are going to work for the FBI or the Department of Defense they use a much more sophisticated series of tests; including a spectroscopic analysis. Those tests, which cost between two and three hundred dollars a sample, will detect nano grams (0.000001) of THC residue and the subsequent by products and there is no way to fool them except substitution. Most prisons, school districts and minimum wage employers do not have the budget to use tests of that accuracy, and their greatest concerns are with opiates and stimulants anyway. When my son was in the rehab center the local FBI lab performed the tests as a â??public serviceâ?�.
While most tests will NOT pick up second hand smoke a spectroscopic analysis will. If you are going for a ten dollar an hour job they use a cheap test. However if you have a multi million dollar contract to overhaul wing making machines for the Skunk Works they get a little more intense.
As a side note on a normal day I drink between a gallon and 6 quarts of water and even with that kind of liquid intake a cheap test will pick up the massive amount of THC trapped in my system. There are not a lot of people out there who can smoke up to a dozen joints of 15% THC Blueberry every day. Another consideration is THCâ??s affinity to fat compounds. I know of a fellow who tested hot even though he had stopped smoking months before. He had started a diet and was loosing about 3 pounds a week and as the fat burned the THC stored there appeared in his urine. Another fellow insisted he ate biscuits and gravy for three days before a test and he claimed it trapped all the THC in his system and he could test clean. I have no documentation to support that statement, but the dieter was a good friend and he fought the firing and won.
There are a number of web sites devoted to evading drug tests and there is lots of documented evidence as to what works and what does not. I prefer to work for companies that respect their employeesâ?? privacy and do not test at all. Or I run my own business. There are web sites that review which companies test and which donâ??t and I try to do all my business with companies that are test free. Why support the test Nazis?
Thanks for Listening
Doctor G

[Essence]

I dont stop in here much but always a PLEASURE to read your stories ~Docotor G~

[yoda]

lukily i havent had to do pee tests yet, and i wouldnt trust teh chugging water shit, too risky

[Hempamasta]

Dr. G, haven't been on the forums for a while, it's good to hear from you again. As always, enjoyed your story. Keep them coming, man.

[singingbowl420]

wow...It took me an hour to read that but I am stoned right now as well...but those are some nice tips