I've been thinking about why the person that everyone sees is not truly who I am. That I strive to be perfect on the outside to make everyone happy. That for some reason I think that I cannot truly be myself to anyone. That I can't let them see the real me cause the real me is toxic and eventually over time will poison them.

I think of myself in a little tiki hut on the beach surrounded by tropical forest. With a corona in my hand, just all by myself with no one around, and I wonder why I am extremely happy.

I also wonder why I only feel like myself inside when smoking pot?
And why when I drink beer does it bring out the bad in me and I like it too?

Man...
I need to see a shrink