Quote Originally Posted by moeburn
Okay here's what happened. I got high last night, and i was sitting in my room listening to "Aeroplane Flies High" by Smashing Pumpkins, and the guy said "If i knew where I was going, I would already be there. I would say I'm afraid to die, but I'm more afraid to live." It sounded like something I would say.

Then you know how when you get too high and you see everything in your field of view at once? I saw my entire room at once, and it was fucking disgusting. Then I got up, went to the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. I said out loud "Its time to make some changes, you are useless, you are nothing but a leech, you need to give back, you need to earn this respect you ask of people, respect for what you have to say doesn't come out of thin air."

And I heard a voice in my head. I heard many voices. I heard every single version of me, every single personality I've ever known. They were all screaming at me "no you're wrong, you've been lazy all your life, even before you found pot, this is the way you are, why try and change it?" And finally, I became the voice in my head that I had never even heard. I became the one that thought I was pathetic. That voice existed in my head, it was just too afraid to speak.

And then I screamed at myself in disgust towards the mirror.

Today I invited my girlfriend over to help me paint my room, clean all the shit off my floors and walls, change my fucking bed sheets. She's my reason to work, she gave me the gift of herself, and I'm going to do everything I can to honor that.

I couldn't do this without her.
you need to see a psychologist and i'm not even trying to be funny... that's nothing less than textbook schizophrenia