Here's a couple more:
"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say"
"We use to laugh at grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing when he'd come home back with some whore he picked up in town"
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem so funny."