"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually" - Peter Griffin

"A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes." - Peter Griffin

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch." - Stewie Griffin

"So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?" - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)

"Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. " - Stewie Griffin

"Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit
off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk." - Stewie Griffin

"Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I." - Quagmire

"If dogs aren't supposed to eat dental floss out of the trash, why did they make it mint flavored?" - Brian Griffin