What would it be like if they really were stoners?

[beachguy in thongs]

Though it is a well-established fact that both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their plantations, historians are still debating as to whether or not they were actually stoners. This is a dramatization of what life may have been like if, indeed, they really inhaled...

(Taken from http://impiousdigest.com/The%20Inhalers.htm . )

MOUNT VERNON OUTSKIRTSâ??DAY

A sunny spring morning in 1776. A young boy posts a wanted
poster on a tree leading up to the Washington estate. It
reads "REWARD OFFERED for the Capture, Dead or Alive, of the
Bicycle Man, Wanted for Murder and High Crimes."

INT. STUDY- DAY

Tom and George are smoking a joint in the study when Junior
walks in.

JUNIOR
Dad, have you seen Timmy? I knocked over
his cage and I can't find him.

GEORGE
Sorry son. I'll let you know if I do.
Now close the door son. We have important
national affairs to conduct.

No sooner does Junior close the door before Timmy the Gerbil
scurries across the room and into a crack in the wall.

George chases after it, and attempting to grab the gerbil,
gets his arm stuck in the crack. As Tom smokes a joint in
orgasmic bliss, George is grunting and heaving as he
struggles to free his arm.

GEORGE
Tom, dammit, it's in too deep!

TOM
Pardon?

INT. MOUNT VERNON HALLWAY- DAY

As Martha passes by the room, she overhears the pair. She
stops and draws her ear to the door. She can hear George
grunting and heaving...

GEORGE
Tom, it's in too deep! The gerbil! It
won't come out!

TOM
No shit?

GEORGE
Ow! The fucking gerbil is biting me from
inside!

TOM
I told you they were a bad idea. Now you
got it stuck in your hole!

Martha, now in shock as she misunderstands the conversation.
She draws closer and puts her ear to the door...

MARTHA
Oh my God! Please don't tell me they're
gay!

INT. STUDY- DAY

Tom lights another joint as George struggles to free his arm.

TOM
(talking to his joint)
Oh yes! You are pure fucking bliss!

INT. HALLWAY

Martha overhears Tom from outside and misunderstands the
context.

INT. STUDY

Tom exhales and passes George a hit, putting it to George's
lips since both of his arms are indisposed in the attempt to
free himself.

GEORGE
Fuck yes, this is pure ecstasy!

Tom takes another hit, and then pretends to pass George
another hit. The pulls it away from his lips.

INT. HALLWAY- DAY

Martha's mouth is ajar, growing angrier by the second...

TOM
Bwahaha! beg for it!

GEORGE
Give it to me Tom!

TOM
Yeah, hold it in tight man...yeah...

GEORGE
Stop pulling it out of my mouth! Give it
to me Tom! Give it to me you fucking
tease!

Martha is in tears, not realizing Tom is talking about a
joint.

INT. STUDY- DAY

The door breaks down. Martha's hands are to her eyes, afraid
of what she might find. She starts screaming.

MARTHA
Die you sick faggot bastards!

GEORGE
What the-- Martha, you could have knocked
dear.

TOM
Oh. Hi Martha. You ok?

Martha slowly opens her eyes and sees Tom kneeling by George,
holding a joint to George's mouth as her husband struggles to
free his arm from the crack in the wall, which he finally
does moments after she enters. In his hand is Timmy the
missing gerbil.

GEORGE
Aha! I got him!

MARTHA
(sheepishly)
Oh...I, uh, thought I heard someone
breaking in. Hey! Wait a minute George!
Didn't I tell you not to smoke that shit
in the house?

GEORGE
Yes dear. We were just stepping outside.
Sorry!

Martha walks out, more relieved than angry.

EXT. MOUNT VERNON VERANDA- DAY

Tom and George walk over to the veranda, bong in hand.

GEORGE
On a more serious note, Tom, I am
flattered indeed that you would consult
me in assisting you with writing the
draft of our declaration of
independenceâ?¦but why?

TOM
Actually, I came here to discuss matters
of far more importance than even national
affairs!

GEORGE
Hmm. Operation Red Claw? Project
Lobsterback?

TOM
No.

GEORGE
Project Joint Decision?

TOM
Yes.

GEORGE
I was wondering what that was.

TOM
Ben Franklin's dealin' again, dude! Iron
Lungs Ben just bought himself a half
pound of killer pot!

GEORGE
(dreamily)
Maybe we can score ourselves a dime if
he's home! My plants are still babies,
you know! we can't smoke them yet!

TOM
And we'll smoke it in his new self
igniting, super-hitting 15,000 volt
Electrobong! Oh- I could roll around
naked on that Thai weed!

GEORGE
I don't know about that thing. I know for
a fact that at least five chickens have
been killed this week as a result of his
experiments with this nutty Electrobong
thing.

TOM
Bite your tongue! Electrobong is the
wonder bong of the future! In
thunderstorms all you have to do is hook
up this kite to the specially fitted
water pipe, and get the lightning to
light the bowl!

GEORGE
Matches are far cheaper and more
practical, Tom. You don't even have to
wait for a thunderstorm.

TOM
But dude- you get a head rush so good it
makes your hair stand on its ends, and it
even works on anybody you touch!

GEORGE
That's all? Electrobong lights up a
stupid bowl and that's it? What if
somebody got electrocuted to cinders just
because they went and tried to smoke weed
from, of all things, a 15,000 volt
electric water pipe?

TOM
Always ready to criticize, aren't you? We
put a lot time into it and we're gonna
make millions

Tom whips out blueprint. All it is a huge bong with a fifty
foot wire hooking it up to a lightning rod.

TOM (CONT'D)
Electrobong will come with its own kite
and weather barometer! Stoner
connoisseurs will never leave home
without it!

GEORGE
Very well. But go all the way to Iron
Lungs' house for that home-grown rubbish?
Besides, Ben's a walking pot vortex.

FLASH CUT TO-

A cyclone with Ben Franklin's house as the epicenter . Ben
not only sucks in the roach, but everything around himâ??trees,
carriages, people, are sucked in through his front door as
Ben takes a huge drag off a joint.

TOM
Remember that drag he took off that
Indica we had last week? He would've
sucked in your Martha whole if she wasn't
hanging on to the kitchen doorframe for
her dear life! So what's the plan, dude?

DISS. BACK TOâ??

EXT. MOUNT VERNON VERANDA- DAY

GEORGE
Never fear. I just had my kid score a
twenty-bag of Iroquois County Buds at
Mount Vernon High. But I suspect he may
have pinched some.

George turns around and points to his son.

CUT TO:

EXT. GARDEN- DAY

Junior is playing chess with a cherry tree. He is growing
impatient.

JUNIOR
Well? You gonna move or what, you lame
bastard?

PAN to CHERRY TREE, which remains silent and immobile.

EXT. VERANDA- DAY

GEORGE
You're quite an effective role model.

TOM
At least he wins. But let's not smoke in
the house. Martha might start some shit
about the ten dollars I owe her. How did
you get her to fork over the cash this
time?

GEORGE
I told her my dentist prescribed it for
my cavities.

TOM
Cavities? How do you get cavities when
you have wooden teeth, George?

GEORGE
Termites! I told her the pot helped smoke
them out.

They stand to stretch their arms and legs.

TOM
Where do you want to smoke it?

GEORGE
The barn should be just fine. Got the eye
drops?

TOM
Check. Got the bong?

GEORGE
Check. I got the matches.

TOM
And I've got the lacquer.

GEORGE
Lacquer? for what?

TOM
Mouthwash. That tar on your choppers make
me wanna puke blood.

Our friend Jefferson was interrupted at this point by a swift
kick to the buttocks by an offended George. It was not a love
tap. George yanked his foot out of a prostrate Tom's
posterior and stares down at his feet.

GEORGE
My shoe buckle! Where did it go?


Two weeks later...

I/E. BARN- DAY

TOM and GEORGE are toking up inside a barn, where George is
inspecting a horse and a carriage nearby.

GEORGE
(after he takes a drag)
Our troops are quite capable, indeed.
I've trained them extensively in Indian
guerrilla warfare- a deadly and effective
warfare alien to the traditional British
approach. A month from now the Redcoats
will be dusting our furniture, doing our
laundry, and getting their doughnuts
glazed by Colonel Lubricante's Mercenary
Death Squad and Mime Troupe.

Tom is pacing up and down the barn with a very noticeable,
bowlegged limp from George's kick days prior. George is
obviously remorseful.

GEORGE (CONT'D)
Hey Tom, I'm sorry about that boot to
your ass the other day. I never meant to
kick you that hard.

TOM
Sure you didn't. But nevermind.

GEORGE
There are two victims here. I lost my
shoe buckle and you lost your manhood.

TOM
George, fuck you and your shoe buckle.
Listen, I shall finish the declaration
immediately, and strike while the iron is
hot.

GEORGE
By all means. But, eh, I strongly suggest
some revisions in your draft.

TOM
Did I forget something?

GEORGE
The title needs some works too.
"Declaration of Autonomous Intent" is
perhaps too ambiguous.

TOM
What do you suggest?

GEORGE
(rubs chins, gives it some
serious thought)
How about the "Declaration of the Guy
that Pistol Whipped Your Naked Granny
Whore"?

TOM
Hmm. I like that.

GEORGE
And as to your postscript addressed to
King George- what is this?
(reads draft aloud from memory)
"Hey- I know you! I boned your sister!"
That's not the way you spell "sister".

TOM
Whatever. C'mon- we're wasting time, and
we've important business to attend to. We
have a country to run!

EXT. MOUNT VERNON, BACK YARD- DAY

George is walking a primitive bike up a hill; followed by
Tom.

GEORGE
Think the nuns will mind that we borrowed
their new bike Ben made for them? Isn't
that the Killer Bike that was hexed by
that witch doctor? The one Ben gypped on
a dope deal?

TOM
Hexed? Get real. Since when do evil
spirits posses inanimate objects, ya
moron?
(points to wall) )
Hey look- we've got spectators!

EXT. BACK YARD WALL- DAY

Full shot of five Stoner Orphans as they jump over fence into
George's yard.

GEORGE
I go to trouble of putting up a sign
(points to sign on marijuana
plant, ECU "Keep Off the
Grass")
And the first thing they do is steal my
buds before they get a chance to grow!

George finally hops on the wooden, iron wheeled bike and pops
a few wheelies, growing bold and silly as his confidence
swells.

TOM
About time!

GEORGE
That's right! I'm bad! See that?

TOM
Martha's tulip garden?

GEORGE
I betcha I can clear it! You're a fag if
I do! I'll jump clear over it if we build
a ramp!

TOM
You're on!

INT. GEORGE'S WORKSHOP- DAY

A ramp is speedily built.

EXT. HILL- DAY

The garden is perfectly positioned below the hill, giving
George ample opportunity to gather the necessary speed for
the jump. At the top of a hill looking over a tulip garden,
George smiles confidently.

GEORGE
Thomas, you flatulent butt waxer,
observe!

Down the hill he flies. CS: Blue Jay flying as it approaches
the speeding bike. George is yelping for joyâ?¦and he sees a
Blue Jay

GEORGE (CONT'D)
Brother, we fly together- we fly as one!

Opening his mouth while under the irreverent bird was mistake
George was to regret for the rest of his life. The bird's aim
was deadly and George got a mouthful of bird shit before he
knew what hit him. George smiled no more as he tried to spit
out the feces. His hands left the handlebars when the ramp
met him but the bike drove on its own, the thick plank ramp
making a dull thud before he was finally in the air. Tom
watches in amazement.

EXT. LANDING RAMP- DAY

Five Stoner Orphans all with gardening equipment and sinister
intentions, are sitting on the lawn watching the jump near
the landing ramp.

ORPHAN 1
Look at those crazy fuckersâ?¦ trying to go
for our record!

ORPHAN 2
Oh shit- he's heading right for us!

George overshoots the ramp and ominously comes crashing down.
He lands on Orphan 1 and flattens him. As if driven by an
invisible demon, the Killer Bike drives on its own, and runs
over the other four orphans in consecutive order as they
vainly try to scatter for cover. Upon impact with the bike
the boys explode, in slow motion, and the air is scattered
with severed limbs and pieces of the victims in a ridiculous,
graphic exaggeration of the gruesome freak accident. Before
the bike finally stops, it runs over Orphan 1's torso as he
lays on the ground, splitting him in half. CS: Killer Bike as
it begins to chuckle demoniacally, and then inanimately falls
over on a body.

CUT TO- Dazed and bloodstained George as he gets up from the
ground, dusts himself, and in utter disgust, picks up what's
left of the bike tangled in Orphan 2's intestines. Tom has
wet his pants. George sees the devastation he has wrought but
manages a weak grin

GEORGE
I made it! You're a fag, Tom!

TOM
I told you it was hexed! George walks the
bike back up the hill. Oh well, let's
pick up what's left of the bodies, and
pile them with those you accidentally
killed last week!

EXT. HILL- DAY

Moments later, Tom is debating whether or not to attempt the
same jump to save face. George offers some gentle
encouragement to his frightened best friend.

GEORGE
You make me want to puke you pathetic
little pussy fungus! Get on the bike
before I beat you like a rented mule!

TOM
Wait a minute. According to my
calculations the velocity attained on the
bike by the time you reach the ramp could
propel me into the future by thousands of
years!

GEORGE
Do you want to smoke my pot or don't you?
(Beaten, Tom grudgingly gets on
the bike.)

TOM
You bastard. Watch out, chump. I'm going
for your record!

Martha arrives just in time to see Tom prepare for the jump.
He quickly figures out how to ride it. Tom finds it necessary
to impress Martha with his newfound cycling skills. He takes
his hands off the handlebars and cruises over to her
casually, smugly polishing his nails on his silken blue vest.
He circles her, standing on the seat. Then he jumps off the
bike, and looks down at his crotch; meeting Martha's eyes
with a grin.

TOM (CONT'D)
Yeah- don't you wish?
(grabs his crotch)
And it's not wooden either, woman!

MARTHA
You going to let that dick cheese talk to
me that way, George?
(George isn't listening.)

GEORGE
Go away, Martha. Can't you see we are in
the midst of conducting important
scientific research?

EXT. MOUNT VERNON GATE- DAY

An angry Nun from the orphanage arrives to retrieve her bike.

NUN
That's the last time they steal my bike!
they're gonna get a piece of mind
alright!

EXT. LANDING RAMP AREA- DAY

TOM
That's right. I'm about to break the
sound barrier, and I'm gonna show George
how to ride a bike without creating a
fucking massacre! Make way!

Finally Tom goes speeding down the hill with a maniacal gleam
in his eyes. ZOOM in on spinning front wheel. A severed lung
from one of George's victims becomes entangled in the spokes
which locks the wheel half-way down and sends a screaming Tom
headfirst into the Nun that was climbing up the hill.

TOM (CONT'D)
Damn you, George, damn you!
(he kicks decapitated Nun in
the ribs)
When are you gonna put a lock on that
fuckin' gate?

MARTHA
(ashen)
Murderers! Oh my God! I married a
butcher!! George-- you're the Bicycle
Man! So are you Tom!

GEORGE
Wait, Martha, honey, we can explain! It
was an accident!

MARTHA
Get out! Get out of my house! Get the
hell out of my house before they arrest
and hang you two morons!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOUNT VERNON ENTRANCE- DAY

Martha sees the boys go off and shakes her head woefully. In
her threatening hands is a machete. George's silver carriage
in a distant cloud of smoke and dust streaking a splendid
green horizon.

INT. CARRIAGE- DAY

Tom amuses himself with the fuzzy dice in the carriage
interior, both are sipping bourbon. George pulls back the
window curtain.

GEORGE
Thomas, look at that maniac running down
the road in that awful, undersized suit
from Sears- yelling at the top of his
lungs! Is that who I think it is?

TOM
He does look a bit familiar. Can you hear
him?

GEORGE
Barely.

EXT. ROADSIDE- DAY

PAUL REVERE is trying to wave down carriage with a handful of
Watchtower literature.

PAUL
(at the top of his voice)
Fools! The Redcoats are coming! The
Redcoats are coming! Seriously, no shit
this time- the Redcoats are coming! The
Redcoats are comingâ?? with the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Repent!!

INT. CARRIAGE- DAY

TOM
Ohhhhh! I know him! It's that eccentric
silversmith Paul Revere! I can spot a
Jehova's Witness a mile away! That'll be
the fifth time he does that this week,
George.

GEORGE
I thought so. You know, Ben warned him
about that bunk English LSD they threw
into the harbor but the next day he went
and hocked his smithing kit for some
diving gear.

TOM
That's the least of his problems. I think
he ought to find a tamer group of friends
other than his pals at Ye Kingdom Hall. I
saw him walk out of one convinced his
reading chair talks dirty to him because
it's possessed by the devil.

GEORGE
Really?

TOM
Yeah. He said the chair told him in
raspy, demonic voice to "Sit on me, baby!
Put your hot pink butt against my
throbbing cushions of delight!" and that
it made some very obscene suggestions
about the many things he could do with a
lubricated candlestick and a drunken
sheep!

GEORGE
Some people just don't know when to quit.
It must be hell living the life an addict-
to sell your soul to the drug dealer like
that. I can't imagine myself being
governed by some drug!

TOM
Yeah. Me too. You said it. Those junkies
give us Stoners a bad rap.

GEORGE
So where's our first stop when we get to
Philadelphia? The Constitutional
Convention or Iron Lung Ben's to score
some more pot?

TOM
Obviously we'd better get our priorities
straight, my friend. We'll score first.
We'll worry about that stupid convention
some other time. They're just gonna nag
me about finishing that declaration of
independence.

INT. CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION- DAY

Patrick Henry is at the podium in a packed house.

PATRICK
My friends, we must make it clear to the
Crown that taxation without
representation mocks the very birthright
of every American to escape oppression!
Nay- for there is no compromise possible
in the face of such tyranny, no
compromise whatsoever unless of courseâ?¦
you give me liberty, or give me Sess!
(takes a bong hit and the house
roars with applause)

TOM
(taking drag, he rises)
What about the slaves, man? How can we
cry oppression when a good deal of us in
this very building own hundreds of slaves
including George and myself here?

PATRICK
Thomas, that's perhaps the most
insightful, intelligent thing I've ever
heard you say. Rebuttal?

catter for cover. Upon impact with the bike
the boys explode, in slow motion, and the air is scattered
with severed limbs and pieces of the victims in a ridiculous,
graphic exaggeration of the gruesome freak accident. Before
the bike finally stops, it runs over Orphan 1's torso as he
lays on the ground, splitting him in half. CS: Killer Bike as
it begins to chuckle demoniacally, and then inanimately falls
over on a body.

CUT TO- Dazed and bloodstained George as he gets up from the
ground, dusts himself, and in utter disgust, picks up what's
left of the bike tangled in Orphan 2's intestines. Tom has
wet his pants. George sees the devastation he has wrought but
manages a weak grin

GEORGE
I made it! You're a fag, Tom!

TOM
I told you it was hexed! George walks the
bike back up the hill. Oh well, let's
pick up what's left of the bodies, and
pile them with those you accidentally
killed last week!

EXT. HILL- DAY

Moments later, Tom is debating whether or not to attempt the
same jump to save face. George offers some gentle
encouragement to his frightened best friend.

GEORGE
You make me want to puke you pathetic
little pussy fungus! Get on the bike
before I beat you like a rented mule!

TOM
Wait a minute. According to my
calculations the velocity attained on the
bike by the time you reach the ramp could
propel me into the future by thousands of
years!

GEORGE
Do you want to smoke my pot or don't you?
(Beaten, Tom grudgingly gets on
the bike.)

TOM
You bastard. Watch out, chump. I'm going
for your record!

Martha arrives just in time to see Tom prepare for the jump.
He quickly figures out how to ride it. Tom finds it necessary
to impress Martha with his newfound cycling skills. He takes
his hands off the handlebars and cruises over to her
casually, smugly polishing his nails on his silken blue vest.
He circles her, standing on the seat. Then he jumps off the
bike, and looks down at his crotch; meeting Martha's eyes
with a grin.

TOM (CONT'D)
Yeah- don't you wish?
(grabs his crotch)
And it's not wooden either, woman!

MARTHA
You going to let that dick cheese talk to
me that way, George?
(George isn't listening.)

GEORGE
Go away, Martha. Can't you see we are in
the midst of conducting important
scientific research?

EXT. MOUNT VERNON GATE- DAY

An angry Nun from the orphanage arrives to retrieve her bike.

NUN
That's the last time they steal my bike!
they're gonna get a piece of mind
alright!

EXT. LANDING RAMP AREA- DAY

TOM
That's right. I'm about to break the
sound barrier, and I'm gonna show George
how to ride a bike without creating a
fucking massacre! Make way!

Finally Tom goes speeding down the hill with a maniacal gleam
in his eyes. ZOOM in on spinning front wheel. A severed lung
from one of George's victims becomes entangled in the spokes
which locks the wheel half-way down and sends a screaming Tom
headfirst into the Nun that was climbing up the hill.

TOM (CONT'D)
Damn you, George, damn you!
(he kicks decapitated Nun in
the ribs)
When are you gonna put a lock on that
fuckin' gate?

MARTHA
(ashen)
Murderers! Oh my God! I married a
butcher!! George-- you're the Bicycle
Man! So are you Tom!

GEORGE
Wait, Martha, honey, we can explain! It
was an accident!

MARTHA
Get out! Get out of my house! Get the
hell out of my house before they arrest
and hang you two morons!

EXT. MOUNT VERNON ENTRANCE- DAY

Martha sees the boys go off and shakes her head woefully. In
her threatening hands is a machete. George's silver carriage
in a distant cloud of smoke and dust streaking a splendid
green horizon.

INT. CARRIAGE- DAY

Tom amuses himself with the fuzzy dice in the carriage
interior, both are sipping bourbon. George pulls back the
window curtain.

GEORGE
Thomas, look at that maniac running down
the road in that awful, undersized suit
from Sears- yelling at the top of his
lungs! Is that who I think it is?

TOM
He does look a bit familiar. Can you hear
him?

GEORGE
Barely.

EXT. ROADSIDE- DAY

PAUL REVERE is trying to wave down carriage with a handful of
Watchtower literature.

PAUL
(at the top of his voice)
Fools! The Redcoats are coming! The
Redcoats are coming! Seriously, no shit
this time- the Redcoats are coming! The
Redcoats are comingâ?? with the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Repent!!

INT. CARRIAGE- DAY

TOM
Ohhhhh! I know him! It's that eccentric
silversmith Paul Revere! I can spot a
Jehova's Witness a mile away! That'll be
the fifth time he does that this week,
George.

GEORGE
I thought so. You know, Ben warned him
about that bunk English LSD they threw
into the harbor but the next day he went
and hocked his smithing kit for some
diving gear.

TOM
That's the least of his problems. I think
he ought to find a tamer group of friends
other than his pals at Ye Kingdom Hall. I
saw him walk out of one convinced his
reading chair talks dirty to him because
it's possessed by the devil.

GEORGE
Really?

TOM
Yeah. He said the chair told him in
raspy, demonic voice to "Sit on me, baby!
Put your hot pink butt against my
throbbing cushions of delight!" and that
it made some very obscene suggestions
about the many things he could do with a
lubricated candlestick and a drunken
sheep!

GEORGE
Some people just don't know when to quit.
It must be hell living the life an addict-
to sell your soul to the drug dealer like
that. I can't imagine myself being
governed by some drug!

TOM
Yeah. Me too. You said it. Those junkies
give us Stoners a bad rap.

GEORGE
So where's our first stop when we get to
Philadelphia? The Constitutional
Convention or Iron Lung Ben's to score
some more pot?

TOM
Obviously we'd better get our priorities
straight, my friend. We'll score first.
We'll worry about that stupid convention
some other time. They're just gonna nag
me about finishing that declaration of
independence.

INT. CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION- DAY

Patrick Henry is at the podium in a packed house.

PATRICK
My friends, we must make it clear to the
Crown that taxation without
representation mocks the very birthright
of every American to escape oppression!
Nay- for there is no compromise possible
in the face of such tyranny, no
compromise whatsoever unless of courseâ?¦
you give me liberty, or give me Sess!
(takes a bong hit and the house
roars with applause)

TOM
(taking drag, he rises)
What about the slaves, man? How can we
cry oppression when a good deal of us in
this very building own hundreds of slaves
including George and myself here?

PATRICK
Thomas, that's perhaps the most
insightful, intelligent thing I've ever
heard you say. Rebuttal?

EXT. CONVENTION- DAY

TOM and GEORGE are booted out of the Constitutional
Convention with two powerful Bouncers and Aaron Burr; both
future presidents landing in big puddles of mud.

AARON BURR
That's right, homies, go peddle reality
elsewhere, you smegma-sucking hippies! We
were having a damn good time until you
two came in and spoiled everything!

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN- DAY

A heavy fog over the sea. Or so it seems. It is actually a
cloud of smoke. Tom and George are smoking from a hookah
pipe, lost in a tiny boat.

GEORGE
Are you sure you remember coming to
Philadelphia by boat, Tom?

TOM
Of course! Like we're gonna cross the
Pacific in your carriage, George! Ya see,
man, I told you that I didn't want to go
to that stupid convention!

EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN SHORE- DAY

They land finally, and pull the boat to shore. George sees
some smoke in the distance.

GEORGE
(picks up telescope)
I've never seen the Iroquois dress this
way before! And they're with some
Spaniards!

TOM
How can you tell?

CUT TO:

Some CQNQUISTADORES are burning an AZTEC heretic at the stake
some distance away.

GEORGE
They're roasting an Indian. The mere
scent of lighter fluid gives them a
hardon! Why, some of the enthusiastic
ones are even setting themselves on fire,
heh heh!

TOM
I should've known.

FLASHBACK to Boston docks one night, where some SPANIARDS
from the warship TU PUTA MADRE are getting supplies for the
voyage south. Tom is selling weed to the Spanish potheads.

TOM
Es muy bueno shit man!

SPANIARD 1
De veras? Cuanto pues?

TOM
(putting up ten fingers)
Ten pesos, man! Diez pesos!

SPANIARD 1
Esta bien.

Tom gives him a little baggy, takes the money, and beats a
hasty retreat.

TOM
I have to go now! Adios! And don't open
that baggy until you get back on the
ship, you might get arrested!

SPANIARD 2
Gracias! Muchas gracias!

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

TOM
I once sold some Conquistadors ten dime
bags filled with pebbles, and the next
day...

GEORGE
Do tell!

FLASHBACK to Tom walking out of a Boston pub when he is
confronted by the two ,Spaniards he sold the weed to the
previous night. Tom is of course, horrified.

SPANIARD 1
Hey man! We have a bone to pick with you,
cabron! That weed you sold us...

TOM
Oh that! What? hey man I--

SPANIARD 1
How the fuck are we supposed to smoke
that shit?

SPANIARD 2
Yeah! We need some matches man! That shit
won't light itself!

SPANIARD 1
Yeah man. And by the way, you have
anymore?

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

TOM
Yep! They came back for more when they
ran out of matches!

GEORGE
(indignant)
Conquistadors? I remember it differently,
pal!

FLASHBACK to Boston harbor. Tom is about to sell George some
weed.

TOM
Trust me man, this is some good shit! i
got it from Spaniards this morning!

Unfortunately, George is stoned enough to believe it.

GEORGE
In that case, sell me a pound!

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

GEORGE (CONT'D)
That was me, you lying' bastard! You told
me it was petrified killer weed
meticulously disguised as pebbles to fool
customs agents and sold me some, too! How
could you do that to a friend?

TOM
Of all the ungrateful- George, you got a
twenty percent discount! Besides, that'll
teach you to smoke rocks.

George instinctively bitch slaps Tom for the age old affront.

TOM
Ok, ok, maybe I had that coming. Now if
you ever touch me again I may have to
hurt you George. Right now though, we
have to find our way home!

Tom begins peering quixotically into his compass as they sit
down in the sand.

GEORGE
Yes, I suppose you're right.

TOM
See that little "S" George? I think
that's an abbreviation for North in
Latin!

GEORGE
(taking a drag from hookah pipe
they dragged onto beach)
Oh. Okay. Makes sense to me.

EXT. MIDNIGHT, ANDES MOUNTAINS IN FIERCE BLIZZARD-- DAY

South America. They have landed upon another continent after
an over-enthused "Eagle Scout" Tom wanted to show George how
to use a compass. Tom and George, wearing the rags of what's
left of the clothing they wore into Philadelphia as they push
forward through the snow. They are both strapped to
improvised sleds full of Columbian pot. Both are obviously
stoned and giggling uncontrollably...

TOM
Hey, George, let's switch for a while,
you lazy bastard!

GEORGE
Nobody told you to buy all that shit,
dude! The reading chair, for instance.
What do you need that for?

TOM
I'll have you know that is no ordinary
reading chair, my friend! It's been
blessed by a priest and dipped in holy
water and is virtually demon proof! You
think I'm going to take any chances after
what happened to Paul Revere and his
satanic reading chair?

GEORGE
I guess you're right. You've always been
the deductive one.
(takes a hit from his joint)

TOM
Hey George! I woke up this morning and
there was a splinter on my dick.

GEORGE
Oh yeah? Well, does your dad still fake
his orgasms by spitting on your back?

TOM
Is it true the George Washington exhibit
at Ye Wax Museum is the only one with
adjustable knees?

GEORGE
(distracted)
Shut your hole! Look! Shelter!

EXT. CAVE, BLIZZARD- DAY

Tom and George wearily stumble their way into a welcome
shelter, absolutely freezing, pushing their junk in behind
them and piling it inside the cave.

GEORGE
I can't believe our good fortune, Tom!
Hurry up and light another doobie now
that we're out of that wind!

TOM
(opens matchbox)
George! We're out of matches! We'll
freeze to death!

GEORGE
Even worse- how in the fuck are we going
to smoke our weed?

TOM
I don't know. But I gotta cut a fart.

Tom cuts an explosive fart. A shoe buckle richochets off the
cave hits George in the eye, blackening it.

GEORGE
My shoe buckle!

George picks it up, polishes the buckle with Tom's jacket and
puts it back on his shoe before retaliating with a thunderous
barrage of devil wind.



EXT LS: AVALANCHE- DAY

A huge avalanche crashes down and traps both inside the cave.

INT. COMPLETE DARKNESS

TOM
Damn, that one got the blue ribbon,
asshole!

GEORGE
Yeah. That was a stinker, man. My eyes
are watering! Now shut up! We've got to
conserve our oxygen!

TOM
What oxygen? So- so this is the end.

GEORGE
The possibility exists.
(cuts another three minute
fart)

TOM
You son of a bitch! You want to cause
another fucking avalanche?

GEORGE
It slipped out, man! Besides, it's no
use. It's no use ...we're dead. Look Tom,
if you make it and I don't- I want you to
keep my favorite little silver bong.

TOM
I'll smoke from no other pipe.

GEORGE
I know. Because you'll be dead too. Don't
cry, chum.

TOM
Crying? I'm choking from the reek in
here. I have to force myself to breath,
and then- then I'm weighed down by
another concern ....

GEORGE
What's that?

TOM
It is feasible to say I am responsible
for this. George, I'm sorry.

GEORGE
Forget about it.

TOM
Are you bitter? It would kill me if you
didn't tell me the truth.

GEORGE
But I did. Cheer up

TOM
You're not bitter? You mean our
friendship will endure longer than our
very lives, my friend?

GEORGE
Yeah. I'm not bitter. Why should I be
bitter? All you did was ruin my life
forever, leave my wife a young widow, and
a beautiful child fatherless. No, I'm not
bitter at all! I'm glad I was dumb enough
to let you play with my compass, Eagle
Scout stupid ass, motherfucking son-of-a
bitch! Gimmie back my pipe! C'mon! Give
me back my pipe! You don't deserve it,
swine!

TOM
Hey! I still have some matches! I wonder
if it would be safe to light a match in
here now that you've filled the whole
cave with methane? Why, I think I'll
light myself a doobie and not give you
any for being such a grudge-bearing
asshole.

GEORGE
It's cool, Tom! I'm sorry, dude, I'm
stressed! Please give me a hit it's my
dying wish, chum.
(Tom lights a match andâ?¦.)



EXT. EXPLODING MOUNTAINSIDE- DAY

A mushroom cloud. The terrific explosion shoots them out of
the cave and sends them spiraling through space. They both
land in some trees which break their fall.

Many days later...

The rest is continued at the site...

beachguy in thongs Reviewed by beachguy in thongs on 02-01-2006. What would it be like if they really were stoners? Though it is a well-established fact that both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their plantations, historians are still debating as to whether or not they were actually stoners. This is a dramatization of what life may have been like if, indeed, they really inhaled... (Taken from http://impiousdigest.com/The%20Inhalers.htm . ) MOUNT VERNON OUTSKIRTSâ??DAY A sunny spring morning in 1776. A young boy posts a Rating: 5

[STDzRus]

LMFAO Great read!

[robert42]

Queen Victoria grew pot.

But i don't have a "fancy link" to back up my comments

/quit

[beachguy in thongs]

Marijuana was used medically in China five thousand years ago, and was probably used in the Middle East before that. Introduced to the West in the mid-1800s by W. B. O'Shaughnessy, physician to Queen Victoria, marijuana soon became a popular remedy.
http://www.herbalgram.org/iherb/herb...ew.asp?i=43329

[krons]

lol that was great. i'll see if i can do that play in my drama class

[king kong bong]

Slater: George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Slater: Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.

[Gruffy]

woah that took a while to read good stuff tho :P

[gangagirl]

Beachguy, you again! You are very talented. I am an actress and we do a cabaret show every year. Last year I wrote a skit about all the kids busted on the gondola (I live in skitown)and scored it to Jesus Christ Superstar. It went loke this, "Gondie boy, gondie boy blah, blah" At the end we criuified him on his skies for smokin pot on the gondola. It was truly successful since a few patrons had to leave in disgust.

[beachguy in thongs]

Lol, gangagirl, I might make my way to see my Sister in L.A., can I use you as a reference? :smokin:

I'm listening to Jimi Hendrix's last concert, released Dec. 13 (of course, bootleg versions were available), and the damn Germans (j/k), well some, were booing as he made his way on stage. He came to mic and started going, "Boo, boo", then said, "I don't give a fuck if you boo, as long as you boo in key."

The rest of the concert was nothing but cheers, it was as if they never appreciated Him until they were touched by him.