This hasn't happened yet, but I'll bet it is only a matter of time...

My bedroom is in a walk-up attic. I can't get furniture up there, so my mattress is 2 twins side by side on the floor with a pad.
My dog is a 70 pound overprotective bulldog/boxer cross.
I can't fully shut and latch the attic door.
My current partner is large. I mean, REALLY large. Like, linebacker pornstar large. Because of this, I make some odd noises during sex.

Lately, the dog has been getting pretty fucking pissed at Donk. She apparently thinks he's hurting me. Telling her 'go lie down' gives about 30 seconds' reprieve from her snarling at him.

Last week we were getting some freek on and I asked, "Hey babe, does it turn you on to know there could be a 70 pound bulldog hanging off your leg at any minute?" We are both pretty convinced that she's going to take a chunk of him to use as a chew-toy in the near future.

There's little I can do about this. (Yes, I'm fixing the door!!!!) I don't want to discourage her protective instincts. So part of sex lately has been worrying about whether Donk is going to end up in the ER explaining why he has to get his calf stitched up.

This is my bodyguard....