Disastrous sexual encounters

[The White Monk]

1. couldn't keep it up while sober (has only happened once sober). i blame it on the weird noises the chick was making when it was barely in. (it was kind of a weird "oi" sound like a piglett)
2. couldn't get it up while stoned (the first and only time i will ever try to have sex while blazed)
3. ate out my girlfriend for a while in the shower. the lights were really dim and it was at night. started tasting like raw steak. it finally hit me that i had been lapping up period blood. from that day forward, i have NEVER given a girl oral. f#$%in repulsive.
4. tried anal. poop on dick. eww.
5. tried anal again. no poo, but odor persisted. eww.
6. tried to titfuck. it sucked. it looks way better than it feels. maybe it would feel better on real giant tits, but these ones were implants, so it was like trying to fuck two balloons.

and then numerous other times where the smelly vag killed the mood

you'd be amazed at how many hot chicks take horrible care of their beavers.

[The White Monk]

So I'm doing this chick doggie style, when all of a sudden I get this godawful stench in my nostrils. It's actually burning my nose like ammonia or something. My eyes are watering and I can feel my nose hairs scorching. We had been doing it in other positions earlier, and I hadn't noticed anything, so I'm not sure if it's just because now I'm basically "staring down the barrel" or if it was just parting the ass cheeks let something out, or maybe she ate two dozen jalapeno poppers earlier and just let fly when I got into position. I don't know.

Anyway, I usually try to make things last, but this time I just start pumping like crazy to get it over with. I'm sure she just thoguht I was really into it becasue I'm going like a jack hammer, and twisting this way and that, and making all these gasping and groaning sounds. But really I'm just trying to get out of the way of the noxious mustard gas fumes wafting up from her ass. For awhile I felt like I was in some kind of survival situation.

So I finally finished and got out of the gas cloud. I never told her that her ass really stunk that day, and we had plenty of good sex before that and after, but man, every time I got behind her after that I had an exit strategy all figured out just in case.

this story nearly made me cry laughing LMFAO