'Twas the Night Before Solstice

[Torog]

'Twas the Night Before Solstice

By: Bill O'Reilly for BillOReilly.com
Thursday, Dec 08, 2005


Way back in 1822 Clement Clarke Moore wrote a poem called "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," which was first published in the New York Sentinel journal. Moore, the son of the New York Bishop who had presided at George Washington's inauguration, had no idea his verse would become world famous, beloved by people everywhere.
But because there is mention of a certain "Saint Nicholas" in the poem it may, alas, have to be revised in order not to offend Americans who don't believe in saints or even Christmas for that matter. We cannot be having any exclusionary poems now, can we?

So with apologies to Clement Moore and everybody else, I humbly submit this updated poem for your consideration:

'Twas the night before Solstice, and all through the land
the ACLU was watching to keep things in hand.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while forces kept Christmas out of their heads.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed and heard desperate chatter.
Someone had seen my manger display,
And wailed very loudly - go away, go away.

How could I be so crass, so utterly wrong
To show the infant Jesus and sing him a song?


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
An ACLU lawyer, looking stern and aloof.
No manger! No caroling! he said with a snort,
And if you don't comply immediately, I'll take you to court!

He was chubby and plump, a right surly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
He dallied no more, but went straight to his phone
Lamenting the manger, in a most pitiful moan.

But I in the spirit, said nothing unkind
Christmas is forgiveness whatever you find.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

Christmas will survive, the folks will demand it,
Even if secular lawyers will not understand it.
Then I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night!

Torog Reviewed by Torog on 12-10-2005. 'Twas the Night Before Solstice 'Twas the Night Before Solstice By: Bill O'Reilly for BillOReilly.com Thursday, Dec 08, 2005 Way back in 1822 Clement Clarke Moore wrote a poem called "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," which was first published in the New York Sentinel journal. Moore, the son of the New York Bishop who had presided at George Washington's inauguration, had no idea his verse would become world famous, beloved by people everywhere. But because there is mention of a certain "Saint Nicholas" in the poem Rating: 5

[Polymirize]

what a great post. I didn't actually read it, but I skimmed the title.

Happy Solstice indeed,

Its perfect that we have these great examples of solstice stories, they remind me of the old "christmas" traditions, just as those traditions remind me of the old pagan beliefs. Such as decorating with holly and putting up the festive "christmas tree"
I think it's great that we can all put aside our differences and focus on how humanity has, for eons, celebrated the longest darkness and return to light in so many ways, without needing to focus on our own particular favorite way as having any special importance.

Happy Solstice to all!

[Breukelen advocaat]

what a great post. I didn't actually read it, but I skimmed the title.
Happy Solstice indeed,Its perfect that we have these great examples of solstice stories, they remind me of the old "christmas" traditions, just as those traditions remind me of the old pagan beliefs. Such as decorating with holly and putting up the festive "christmas tree"I think it's great that we can all put aside our differences and focus on how humanity has, for eons, celebrated the longest darkness and return to light in so many ways, without needing to focus on our own particular favorite way as having any special importance.Happy Solstice to all!

I know that you've got to be kidding. Bill O'Reilly is not advocating Solstice - he hates it. He goes for the new-fangled, crazy-assed worship of the alleged union between a ghost and a jewish teenaged "virgin" in the middle east two thousand years ago. When she shit out the little bastard "wise men" came with presents for it. The freak is supposed to be a great god that can keep you from burning for eternity in his father's proud kingdom of hell - presided over by another type of god, the "devil" (also created by the fuck-up father), whom the whole lot of the stupid trinity seems unable to control - or perhaps they rely on Satan for their insatiable need for the worship and subservience of humans.

O'Reilly is just an asshole from Long Island that pretends to be "tough". Howard Stern, no great mind himself, told him to shut-up on the "No-Spin Zone" show the other night, and O'Reilly backed down - only to mock Stern the next night when Howard wasn't there.

P.S. O'Reilly is against abortion, AND the death penalty. Of course, he's rich enough to live in luxury and doesn't have to worry much about being victimized by the scum that he'd let loose on the rest of us. He can also afford escorts and bodyguards, because he'd shit in his pants if anybody even remotely was in any way agressive to him when, or if, they were alone. This guy couldn't hold his own against a bar rag, or an intelligent mind for that matter. Even his liberal nemesis Al Frankin could twist him into a pretzel, in a debate OR in a fight.

Happy Solstice!

[Torog]

Howdy Breukelen,

Your reply was so disgusting and offensive,that I could not bring myself to qoute it..and it most likely does not deserve the dignity of a response.

You reap what ye sow..and if you put out such awful,negative crap-then that's what you will recieve in return. May God have Mercy on yer soul..cuz yer gonna need it !

Have a good one ....

[Oneironaut]

I know that you've got to be kidding. Bill O'Reilly is not advocating Solstice - he hates it. He goes for the new-fangled, crazy-assed worship of the alleged union between a ghost and a jewish teenaged "virgin" in the middle east two thousand years ago. When she shit out the little bastard "wise men" came with presents for it. The freak is supposed to be a great god that can keep you from burning for eternity in his father's proud kingdom of hell - presided over by another type of god, the "devil" (also created by the fuck-up father), whom the whole lot of the stupid trinity seems unable to control - or perhaps they rely on Satan for their insatiable need for the worship and subservience of humans.

O'Reilly is just an asshole from Long Island that pretends to be "tough". Howard Stern, no great mind himself, told him to shut-up on the "No-Spin Zone" show the other night, and O'Reilly backed down - only to mock Stern the next night when Howard wasn't there.

P.S. O'Reilly is against abortion, AND the death penalty. Of course, he's rich enough to live in luxury and doesn't have to worry much about being victimized by the scum that he'd let loose on the rest of us. He can also afford escorts and bodyguards, because he'd shit in his pants if anybody even remotely was in any way agressive to him when, or if, they were alone. This guy couldn't hold his own against a bar rag, or an intelligent mind for that matter. Even his liberal nemesis Al Frankin could twist him into a pretzel, in a debate OR in a fight.

Happy Solstice!

Hahahaha, that had me in stitches. Keep it up.

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/en.../bill-oreilly/

[weirdo79]

"Happy solstice to all and too all a good new year within 6 months of this time said!" (within the next 6 months or so covers every cultures new year doesnt it>? not actually sure bout that one he he)

[Stoner Shadow Wolf]

OMG OMG OMG i want a zombie jesus for christmas!

[Breukelen advocaat]

Hahahaha, that had me in stitches. Keep it up.]

OK, here's a nice little poem I found. I'm working on the REAL story of the "virgin birth", and will probably finish it before long.

- The Night Before Christmas -

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
anon.- collected on the internet
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And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerve in the brain of Jupiter. But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.

-Thomas Jefferson, Letter to John Adams, April 11, 1823

[Myth1184]

O'Reilly is just an asshole from Long Island that pretends to be "tough". Howard Stern, no great mind himself, told him to shut-up on the "No-Spin Zone" show the other night, and O'Reilly backed down - only to mock Stern the next night when Howard wasn't there.

----

I can tell you didnt watch the show

[Breukelen advocaat]

I can tell you didnt watch the show

Not the whole thing. It's hard to take two assholes, one worse than the next.

I saw Stern threaten to beat him up - joking, of course, but O'Reilly was silent for a while.

The other thing O'Reilly did was focus an inordinate amount of time on whether Stern would take advantage of his new job, on pay-to-listen satellite radio, and spend most of his time mouthing off with foul language. Stern denied this, reminded O'Reilly that his (Stern) work is considered comedic, and that he's only trying to provide a better radio show, to the widest audience, since his right to freedom of expression has been minimized by censorship. I don't even tune-in to Stern, but he's got a right to be on the air if people are interested in listening to him. The following night I heard O'Reilly read a viewer's letter that blasted Stern.

Since I didn't see either show entirely, it's likely that I am missing something.................... but who the hell really cares about couple of rich, lame-brained middle-aged dolts, both of whom cater to the lowest common denominators in their respective audiences, lol?
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