Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettCrush
There is a crystal moment of clarity when that third eye opens. I see things now I was blind too, perspective opens up before me and it's terrible, beautiful, awful to behold. THIS! YES THIS! this precious golden truth, this radiant sunbeam of realization blazing into my fucking brain
THIS, IS ME!!!!!!!
I stopped paying attention to people a long time ago. I got so tired of looking up and seeing derision, rejection, laughter, I just don't look up. I'm not scared, just tired. I can't search someone's eyes for that sparkle of affinity anymore. I can't pay attention to what perfume they wear and analyze what that says about their personality. I can't watch someone's body movements and spend hours deciding if the left hand hair flip meant they where kidding or if it was a slight to me. I can't pay attention to what brand of cigarettes they smoke, what drink they prefer or any other of the excruciating minutia that makes up another persons preferences just so I can accommodate any of them should the need arise.
I watch peoples hands, to make sure they aren't going to make an aggressive move, to see if they are rough, if they look strong. Sometimes I flinch when I am talking to someone who uses exaggerated hand motions. I play it off by making some lame ass joke that usually gets a smile. I don't look past their lips, I don't want to know what the eyes are doing, what they are looking like, what that says about you, what that says about what you think of me, what that says about me, and if you prefer coke, Pepsi or ibc root beer. I half listen to the buzz buzz buzz of conversation, more interested in the tempo and rhythm than the subject. I smile smile, laugh, oh really? well you have too. smile smile laugh. I can't think of a thing to say, because I'm so busy not paying attention. Later on that afternoon I will think of the perfect comment, then kick my ass for a week because I never said it. Kick my ass for a week for not smiling better or sharing a joke, for not talking, for not flirting, for not giving out my card, for acting flaky.
I think I stopped paying attention to myself as well. I don't know what I look like anymore. My face, my body is a map to a foreign land. When I see me, I look hard edged, too strong jaw, too big nose, too big teeth, too small lips, body which works but not well or prettily. This is not in my head, in my head is me, but right. Something like a b movie queen from the 40's, sometimes coquettish, sometimes ridiculous. I can't study myself because vanity is not one of my virtues. I opted for greed instead. Never let the salesman talk you into an upgrade, you get fucked every time. My body, is a horrible traitor and has betrayed me at every turn. When I feed it what it craves, it gets fat, when I exercise, it hurts me, when I depend on it, it fails me. What a dirty trick my body is. I don't ask much of my body, age gracefully, let me function normally and comfortably, don't make me look weird.
I've lived in denial.
"I look fine"
"no one notices"
"I will grow out of it"
"I'll make some friends"
"it doesn't look THAT bad"
"the thong is kind of cute"


I want to start paying closer attention to people. I am trying to look up. This weekend I looked up and people smiled at me. Some people smiled at me in that way. That's cool.
attention seeker, its life get on with it