Living Room Dementia

[ScarlettCrush]

There is a crystal moment of clarity when that third eye opens. I see things now I was blind too, perspective opens up before me and it's terrible, beautiful, awful to behold. THIS! YES THIS! this precious golden truth, this radiant sunbeam of realization blazing into my fucking brain
THIS, IS ME!!!!!!!
I stopped paying attention to people a long time ago. I got so tired of looking up and seeing derision, rejection, laughter, I just don't look up. I'm not scared, just tired. I can't search someone's eyes for that sparkle of affinity anymore. I can't pay attention to what perfume they wear and analyze what that says about their personality. I can't watch someone's body movements and spend hours deciding if the left hand hair flip meant they where kidding or if it was a slight to me. I can't pay attention to what brand of cigarettes they smoke, what drink they prefer or any other of the excruciating minutia that makes up another persons preferences just so I can accommodate any of them should the need arise.
I watch peoples hands, to make sure they aren't going to make an aggressive move, to see if they are rough, if they look strong. Sometimes I flinch when I am talking to someone who uses exaggerated hand motions. I play it off by making some lame ass joke that usually gets a smile. I don't look past their lips, I don't want to know what the eyes are doing, what they are looking like, what that says about you, what that says about what you think of me, what that says about me, and if you prefer coke, Pepsi or ibc root beer. I half listen to the buzz buzz buzz of conversation, more interested in the tempo and rhythm than the subject. I smile smile, laugh, oh really? well you have too. smile smile laugh. I can't think of a thing to say, because I'm so busy not paying attention. Later on that afternoon I will think of the perfect comment, then kick my ass for a week because I never said it. Kick my ass for a week for not smiling better or sharing a joke, for not talking, for not flirting, for not giving out my card, for acting flaky.
I think I stopped paying attention to myself as well. I don't know what I look like anymore. My face, my body is a map to a foreign land. When I see me, I look hard edged, too strong jaw, too big nose, too big teeth, too small lips, body which works but not well or prettily. This is not in my head, in my head is me, but right. Something like a b movie queen from the 40's, sometimes coquettish, sometimes ridiculous. I can't study myself because vanity is not one of my virtues. I opted for greed instead. Never let the salesman talk you into an upgrade, you get fucked every time. My body, is a horrible traitor and has betrayed me at every turn. When I feed it what it craves, it gets fat, when I exercise, it hurts me, when I depend on it, it fails me. What a dirty trick my body is. I don't ask much of my body, age gracefully, let me function normally and comfortably, don't make me look weird.
I've lived in denial.
"I look fine"
"no one notices"
"I will grow out of it"
"I'll make some friends"
"it doesn't look THAT bad"
"the thong is kind of cute"


I want to start paying closer attention to people. I am trying to look up. This weekend I looked up and people smiled at me. Some people smiled at me in that way. That's cool.

ScarlettCrush Reviewed by ScarlettCrush on 12-06-2005. Living Room Dementia There is a crystal moment of clarity when that third eye opens. I see things now I was blind too, perspective opens up before me and it's terrible, beautiful, awful to behold. THIS! YES THIS! this precious golden truth, this radiant sunbeam of realization blazing into my fucking brain THIS, IS ME!!!!!!! I stopped paying attention to people a long time ago. I got so tired of looking up and seeing derision, rejection, laughter, I just don't look up. I'm not scared, just tired. I can't search Rating: 5

[adfsghjn]

Just act confident. Confidence wins people over more than anything, as long as it's no arrogant over-confidence. Next time you get into a situation you are not sure what to do in, just act like nothing can go completely wrong. Also, looking someone directly in the eyes shows that you are not intimidated by the situation. However, if you feel you've been staring at someone's eyes for a long time and it's somewhat awkward, lick your lips. Studies prove it make other people sub-conciously uncomfortable, and they will look away. Just act natural.

[ladyM]

I know exactly what you mean!!!

I am learning that if you dont have expectations of others, they wont disappoint you. A long hard lesson for me since I want to believe in humanity and even after all these years of having been disappointed by things, people, events, I still want to believe.
I try to look people in the eye when they speak to me, but I tend to look all over the place when I talk to them. Its not easy for me to make friends or for people to make friends with me. I dont like people all that much, I prefer the company of animals more.
They dont talk back and they love you no matter what you have going on.

I am growing some balls here lately though. I am beginning to understand some truths about life and Im not rebelling, just not letting it slide anymore. At one time I was an in your face type of person and I would let everyone within earshot know what I thought. Now I recognize that we all have a path to follow and my opinions arent going to change things, only my actions can make the difference. Karma is playing a huge roll in my attitude toward a lot of things as well. I realize that what you give out comes back three fold, so I sit back and shut up when someone is spouting stupidity and let them show what fools they are, noone needs me to point it out for them. But its hard to keep my mouth shut, especially if I know more on the subject than they do, but its not worth wasting my breath on an idiot.

I guess Im coming out of the broom closet and its giving me back the confidence I lost in myself. I just temper it with discretion, patience, tolerance, and compassion.
I had to learn to look in the mirror before I could look at other people for what they are, otherwise I would still be looking away. I am not into large gathering of people either, especially people I dont know, I usually dont want to know them either. I smile and nod and can never think of anything witty when I need it so like you , I kick myself whan later I come up with something and it becomes moot, but I kick myself anyway. I dont have much in common to discuss with women and women dont like it if you hang out with their men so I I quietly roam from group to group with that smile pasted on my face and dont say much.

OK, thats all

[xNoa]

There is a crystal moment of clarity when that third eye opens. I see things now I was blind too, perspective opens up before me and it's terrible, beautiful, awful to behold. THIS! YES THIS! this precious golden truth, this radiant sunbeam of realization blazing into my fucking brain
THIS, IS ME!!!!!!!
I stopped paying attention to people a long time ago. I got so tired of looking up and seeing derision, rejection, laughter, I just don't look up. I'm not scared, just tired. I can't search someone's eyes for that sparkle of affinity anymore. I can't pay attention to what perfume they wear and analyze what that says about their personality. I can't watch someone's body movements and spend hours deciding if the left hand hair flip meant they where kidding or if it was a slight to me. I can't pay attention to what brand of cigarettes they smoke, what drink they prefer or any other of the excruciating minutia that makes up another persons preferences just so I can accommodate any of them should the need arise.
I watch peoples hands, to make sure they aren't going to make an aggressive move, to see if they are rough, if they look strong. Sometimes I flinch when I am talking to someone who uses exaggerated hand motions. I play it off by making some lame ass joke that usually gets a smile. I don't look past their lips, I don't want to know what the eyes are doing, what they are looking like, what that says about you, what that says about what you think of me, what that says about me, and if you prefer coke, Pepsi or ibc root beer. I half listen to the buzz buzz buzz of conversation, more interested in the tempo and rhythm than the subject. I smile smile, laugh, oh really? well you have too. smile smile laugh. I can't think of a thing to say, because I'm so busy not paying attention. Later on that afternoon I will think of the perfect comment, then kick my ass for a week because I never said it. Kick my ass for a week for not smiling better or sharing a joke, for not talking, for not flirting, for not giving out my card, for acting flaky.
I think I stopped paying attention to myself as well. I don't know what I look like anymore. My face, my body is a map to a foreign land. When I see me, I look hard edged, too strong jaw, too big nose, too big teeth, too small lips, body which works but not well or prettily. This is not in my head, in my head is me, but right. Something like a b movie queen from the 40's, sometimes coquettish, sometimes ridiculous. I can't study myself because vanity is not one of my virtues. I opted for greed instead. Never let the salesman talk you into an upgrade, you get fucked every time. My body, is a horrible traitor and has betrayed me at every turn. When I feed it what it craves, it gets fat, when I exercise, it hurts me, when I depend on it, it fails me. What a dirty trick my body is. I don't ask much of my body, age gracefully, let me function normally and comfortably, don't make me look weird.
I've lived in denial.
"I look fine"
"no one notices"
"I will grow out of it"
"I'll make some friends"
"it doesn't look THAT bad"
"the thong is kind of cute"


I want to start paying closer attention to people. I am trying to look up. This weekend I looked up and people smiled at me. Some people smiled at me in that way. That's cool.

attention seeker, its life get on with it

[Miggoll]

Watch out for thoes men in white coats

[ScarlettCrush]

I know exactly what you mean!!!

...I want to believe in humanity and even after all these years of having been disappointed by things, people, events, I still want to believe.
...
Now I recognize that we all have a path to follow and my opinions arent going to change things, only my actions can make the difference. Karma is playing a huge roll in my attitude toward a lot of things as well.

in this we are exactly alike
I feel you sister!

[bonsaiguy]

Don't let life come to you but rather, keep moving in to life and don't look back too often or too hard. And consider taking up tai chi.

[FunkyMonkey]

ScarlettCrush that has got to be the deepest insightful thing I have read of your posts. Perhaps what has made it seem so profound to me is that I have shared those thoughts and feelings before in my own past. I think we all have at one point, however you word it so elequently, so percise.
Even though you speak of things that make you uncomfortable, I found that to be an enjoyable read. Mostly because you describe it without darkness, without an overhanging negativity, but with an 'involved detatchment'. ( if that makes any sense to you)
It is almost poetic or like a snapshot with an accompanying story or narration. I am impressed with your boldness and fearlessness.
I believe that in your own sharing you have held up a mirror to many people and put to words what some have only seen of them selves in peripheral vision but not taken a close analytical look at.
Thanks for sharing what many just ignore or internalize.

[flamingskullballs]

i have felt the exact same thing with myself...i would much rather watch a persons habits and actions, then listen to them speak...when i am at a party, there are too many voices, and they come to my head as a gigantic jumble of random words...

i too, have felt the beat of conversation...

[Roadking]

Vladimir Nabokov