"Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey

-If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

-If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

-We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

-As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable, until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD.

-If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.