Thanks for all your input. I've had this kind of "attack" twice (the first time it happened, I hadn't smoked for several months; but this recent time I'd been smoking daily for about a month.)

Interestingly, both paranoid episodes stemmed from a fear of being caught. Hardly anybody knows I smoke, and somehow the tiny little fear in my head that someone might find out and that I'd get busted (by the law) just spiraled out of control. Just like the good feelings can get magnifyed thousands of times over making everything euphoric, this time it went in the other direction and the most preposterous scenarios seemed totally possible and led me to believe that my life was ruined.

Of course, it wore off after a couple of hours or so, but it left me so shaken that I've been afraid to go near it since. (After the first time this happened, it was years before I smoked again.)

I can't help but wonder, though: if it was legal and there wasn't so much stigma attached to it, would it even be possible for me to go over the edge like that? (Or maybe some other little nagging doubt or fear in my head would be the seed of a paranoia attack...don't know.)

Part of it does have to do with responsibility. I think I'm probably much older and "settled" than a lot of folks here - got a professional job, a house (no family) and am fairly well-respected at my job. So many people would be shocked to know that I like to get high.

But I'm a very creative person (musically) and MJ just opens up my mind to so many things I've never been able to tap into in any other way. When it's good (as it is most of the time) it's DAMN good. (Mix it with sex, and goddamn! I'm in fucking heaven!!)

Anyway, that's my story. At this point I only have a tiny bit left - just enough for one, maybe two evenings of bliss (hopefully). I don't want to smoke it because 1) then I'll be out and have to find some more - a very difficult thing to do, since I don't have any connections (good old college days - it was so easy then!) and 2) I don't know how it will affect me - could be great, could be awful and 3) my "significant other" knows about the last episode and has all but forbidden me from going near the stuff anymore - so now I'd have to be even MORE secretive!

So I don't know what I'll do, but it really is helpful to have this site where there are people who understand and can "listen" to me talk it out and offer feedback.

Thanks again - and happy smokin'!

PS :thumbsup: