Yo Ghost

I can relate, only not personally.

My boyfriend (who i've been with for 4 years now) and I met about 5 years ago. He was about 18 at the time and feeling pretty much the same way you are. (The cause was differnent, but end result the same).

He had split second suicide urges, was depressed, felt empty, all of that craptacular stuff. Especially the lying thing. To this day, he's still a compulsive liar about the stupidest shit, although not as bad and no longer for the same reasons. He'd lie about shit for which there is absolutley no reason to lie. Like, what he did on the weekend, what he has done in the past, all kinds of things like what you mentioned you lied about.

He has since overcome, partly because of me. I was able to see him for who he really was, past all the exterior he was masquerading.

I fell in love with him, and b/c i loved him for who he really was, he was able to shed all these negative images, feelings and compulsions. Slowly, mind you.

He has sinced gone to school, has a fantastic job, and is very very happy.

I'm not saying you need to find a girlfriend to make you happy.
I'm just saying that maybe you need to turn to someone who knows you for who you "really" are, like your parents or something.

YOU are a good person, but it's your ACTIONS you don't like. Change your actions, and you may find that the real you will come to the forefront.

18 is so very fucking young. What I wouldn't give to go 5 years in the past. You grow a lot between 15 and 1, and a fuck load more between 18 and 23. You may not know who you are simply b/c you haven't figured it out yet. And that's cool.

Good luck dude. Maybe you need to take a few weeks to go somewhere and be by yourself and think. really think. Meditate or whatever you need to do.

Peace.