[/life]

[GHoSToKeR]

Today, for the first time ever, I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide. I was driving home on the way back home from court (I got off, by the way) and I realised how unbelievably unhappy i've been for so many years. It just hit me, BAM, like that. I imagine some of you must have experienced it before; it's a feeling that goes right down to your bones, and I don't think it's easy to ignore or to forget. I can't seem to get over it...

I think i'm probably the most insecure person I know. In fact I am the most insecure person I know. Pretty much most of my life i've walked around with these millions of different insecurites masquerading as confidence (some may say arrogance).

In the past i've lied, stolen, cheated, hurt people, offended people, all with an endless supply of selfishness. I've even lied to myself about how I act; something I think alot of people can relate to. I'm now 18, without a job for different reasons, without any of my old friends, also for different reasons, hardly any new ones, and there's no amibition or motivation or anything left me. All that's left is a feeling of hopelessness and the knowledge that i'm the only person to blame. I've aliented myself from people and from myself, and the whole time i've ignored the fact that I was doing it, or at least pretended to.

I honestly don't know how I look.. That's the simplest way I can put it. I don't know how I look, or how other people see me, because i'm incapable of seeing myself objectively. Whenever I leave the house I take fucking ages getting ready, even to go to the shop, and I still leave the house feeling self conscious and horrible about myself. I hide it but it's there. Then, when i'm walking around outside, I sneak a look in every mirror or window I walk past.. not out of any vanity or anything, but because I can't help it. I'm scared of how I look, even when I know I look relatively normal, and i'm scared of how I act, even though i've never really had trouble making friends... I don't know why this is, but it's a fact I can't fucking deny anymore.

I lie. Seriously. Not just to myself, but to everyone. Fucking everyone. And it's never even anything worth lying about... If I was going to meet a group of people for whatever reason, I would be so self conscious that it would take me ages to get ready, and then i'll lie about how much of a mess I look. If I buy new clothes or new stuff and someone comments I lie and act like I had it all along. If someone asks me what i've been up to lately I lie. Not because I haven't been up to anything, but... fuck, I don't even know why. I was never like this.. and I haven't been recently, but over the past few years this has been me. A fucking loser. I can't even explain it all and I don't even know why the fuck i'm trying..

I act confident all the time. I never let anybody around me see how I really feel or think, and that just makes it worse.. I haven't spoken to anybody about anthing like this, ever. Not even my family. Because I pretend that i'm cool with everything.. So that just makes it fucking worse.. Lol, what a twat..

I probably sound like the most horrible person on the planet, and maybe I am. I dunno.. But i'm not, I don't think.. I'm just confused most of the time, scared even more of the time, and worried all the time. Shit, there are actually fucking tears rolling down my face.. Lol, i'm an 18 year old guy and i'm fucking crying.. I haven't cried for, well, I don't even know how long.

I'm not gonna try and say what I was really gonna say because I can't think of the words.. Funny that, eh? When I have nothing to say I never shut the fuck up and when I actually have something to say I don't know how to say it. I wanna say sorry, though.. I've been coming to this forum for a reasonably long time, and i've gotten to know most of you quite well, some of you really well. I don't think i've ever intentionally lied to you, and I hope i've never unintentionally done it either.. But I know that, on this site at least, I have quite a few friends who like me as who you know me as... So if i've in any way decieved you into thinking i'm somebody or something i'm not then i'm sorry.. I don't even know if I have or not, or if anybody gives a shit, but you know. i'm gonna go now. You don't have to reply or anything, but it'd be cool to know somebody read it, at least. Tthanks

GHoSToKeR Reviewed by GHoSToKeR on 10-17-2005. [/life] Today, for the first time ever, I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide. I was driving home on the way back home from court (I got off, by the way) and I realised how unbelievably unhappy i've been for so many years. It just hit me, BAM, like that. I imagine some of you must have experienced it before; it's a feeling that goes right down to your bones, and I don't think it's easy to ignore or to forget. I can't seem to get over it... I think i'm probably the most insecure person I Rating: 5

[the last stand]

[email protected]

we could talk if you want mate...

[dirty raider]

Wow, don't know what to say. Certainly got me thinking of my own life, I think we all put on fronts and disguises to show different faces to different people.

I'm sure you won't take me up on it as I've never really spoken to you but if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything don't hesitate to give me a holler.

[lardman]

speechless

[lardman]

I probably sound like the most horrible person on the planet, and maybe I am. I dunno.. Shit, there are actually fucking tears rolling down my face.. Lol, i'm an 18 year old guy and i'm fucking crying.. I haven't cried for, well, I don't even know how long.

Dude you do not sound like anything close to horrible, or bad. You sound confused and depressed and not a sense of accomplishment or something. Nobody thinks you are horrible.

CRYING!!?? Dude, that is nothing to be ashamed at at all. I cry at times too. You are not human if you do not cry, or want to cry. Somehow people have to let their frustration out, and besides freakin out and going on a rampage, and suicide (ehhh) you cry. Crying helps the pain go away, sorta. You feel like shit when you cry but afterwords you feel better.

I want to talk to you more on this later tomorrow, i cant right now cuz its 4am, i wish i could, but i need to get to bed. Do not do anything rashanal (bad spelling).

Cya when I see yah.

[robert42]

yo man

theres always someone worst of then u, u sound like u need a change on scenery man, every1 gets down nopw and then but if u dwell on it u make it allot worse.

look to the future, do u really wanna be the guy who killed himself before he even lived? its easier to give up then it is to fight but lifes can change in a instance, remember that

u never know where ur gonna be tommorow but thats life, just do what u gotta do and a better future is out there if u fight for it. dont give up

dont let them take your soul

[buddymyfriend]

Man, im feeling you ghost. We've all got alot of skeletons and secrets in the closet, but we just cant seem to close the door and forget about them. The guilt consumes us, the truth is a bully you don't want to be meet. I know what your goin through mate, if you ever wanna talk, or your dry, damn it ANYTHING! Hit me up bro!

[email protected]

Peace

Buddy

[Euphoric]

Ghost. Man. You described me perfectly! Well, except I dont lie very much...it took a while though to get over that weird lying thingy.
So, it's perfectly natural. Youre just experiencing the challenges of being human. .

Now you can understand my distaste for the human species!

Really though, when we look at ourselves honestly...we might not like what we see. This is how you evolve!! MOST people refuse to do what you're doing! They simply cannot bear it and they do everything...anything to avoid this kind of honest introspection.
I applaud your efforts. Work on your personality! But don't focus too much on your faults.

TIME FOR A JOINT

[Lulu]

Ghost I've always liked you.....from the beginning and I respect you so much
more after reading that post. If you ever want to chat you know I'm there. I've
pm'd you.......take care, we'll talk soon x

x Lu x

[mellow mood]

hey bro u seem to have a lot of probs man

i mean its normal to have bad moments during your life but you have to ask yourself why you were and (your still?) acting like u related here

i mean u know life is just about growin, gettin happier, gettin a better person, each day man. if u have this feeling when u go out or whatever, seriously u have a problem. i think u have to look at it with a bit of distance and ask you the true roots of this problem and try to change it. u may even want to consult a someone, psyc u know. everybody needs to do so. its only helping sum1 to share what hes living and all

seriously u should share what your living with your parents too man. maybe its a bad idea like maybe its a good one, anyway... i think sometimes they can be so dumb but sometime they can be the first person u can relay on. i think they could help u too, but remember your the only one that will mak ya change yourself.


well man hope your gonna work on yourself as im trying each day, and hope you will feel and get better soon. i feel your pain but never give up that combat which is life. never get discouraged man.

peace