Today, for the first time ever, I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide. I was driving home on the way back home from court (I got off, by the way) and I realised how unbelievably unhappy i've been for so many years. It just hit me, BAM, like that. I imagine some of you must have experienced it before; it's a feeling that goes right down to your bones, and I don't think it's easy to ignore or to forget. I can't seem to get over it...

I think i'm probably the most insecure person I know. In fact I am the most insecure person I know. Pretty much most of my life i've walked around with these millions of different insecurites masquerading as confidence (some may say arrogance).

In the past i've lied, stolen, cheated, hurt people, offended people, all with an endless supply of selfishness. I've even lied to myself about how I act; something I think alot of people can relate to. I'm now 18, without a job for different reasons, without any of my old friends, also for different reasons, hardly any new ones, and there's no amibition or motivation or anything left me. All that's left is a feeling of hopelessness and the knowledge that i'm the only person to blame. I've aliented myself from people and from myself, and the whole time i've ignored the fact that I was doing it, or at least pretended to.

I honestly don't know how I look.. That's the simplest way I can put it. I don't know how I look, or how other people see me, because i'm incapable of seeing myself objectively. Whenever I leave the house I take fucking ages getting ready, even to go to the shop, and I still leave the house feeling self conscious and horrible about myself. I hide it but it's there. Then, when i'm walking around outside, I sneak a look in every mirror or window I walk past.. not out of any vanity or anything, but because I can't help it. I'm scared of how I look, even when I know I look relatively normal, and i'm scared of how I act, even though i've never really had trouble making friends... I don't know why this is, but it's a fact I can't fucking deny anymore.

I lie. Seriously. Not just to myself, but to everyone. Fucking everyone. And it's never even anything worth lying about... If I was going to meet a group of people for whatever reason, I would be so self conscious that it would take me ages to get ready, and then i'll lie about how much of a mess I look. If I buy new clothes or new stuff and someone comments I lie and act like I had it all along. If someone asks me what i've been up to lately I lie. Not because I haven't been up to anything, but... fuck, I don't even know why. I was never like this.. and I haven't been recently, but over the past few years this has been me. A fucking loser. I can't even explain it all and I don't even know why the fuck i'm trying..

I act confident all the time. I never let anybody around me see how I really feel or think, and that just makes it worse.. I haven't spoken to anybody about anthing like this, ever. Not even my family. Because I pretend that i'm cool with everything.. So that just makes it fucking worse.. Lol, what a twat..

I probably sound like the most horrible person on the planet, and maybe I am. I dunno.. But i'm not, I don't think.. I'm just confused most of the time, scared even more of the time, and worried all the time. Shit, there are actually fucking tears rolling down my face.. Lol, i'm an 18 year old guy and i'm fucking crying.. I haven't cried for, well, I don't even know how long.

I'm not gonna try and say what I was really gonna say because I can't think of the words.. Funny that, eh? When I have nothing to say I never shut the fuck up and when I actually have something to say I don't know how to say it. I wanna say sorry, though.. I've been coming to this forum for a reasonably long time, and i've gotten to know most of you quite well, some of you really well. I don't think i've ever intentionally lied to you, and I hope i've never unintentionally done it either.. But I know that, on this site at least, I have quite a few friends who like me as who you know me as... So if i've in any way decieved you into thinking i'm somebody or something i'm not then i'm sorry.. I don't even know if I have or not, or if anybody gives a shit, but you know. i'm gonna go now. You don't have to reply or anything, but it'd be cool to know somebody read it, at least. Tthanks
GHoSToKeR Reviewed by GHoSToKeR on . [/life] Today, for the first time ever, I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide. I was driving home on the way back home from court (I got off, by the way) and I realised how unbelievably unhappy i've been for so many years. It just hit me, BAM, like that. I imagine some of you must have experienced it before; it's a feeling that goes right down to your bones, and I don't think it's easy to ignore or to forget. I can't seem to get over it... I think i'm probably the most insecure person I Rating: 5