If you spend a month or so on boards, you will discover some mail order sources that are not scammers. The legit guys are a little more cautious than scammers as they have something real to offer, they have more to lose as well. Desperation is what these type of guys depend on, so stop with all that. Grab some salvia, some nutmeg, and chill out for a little while, the solution will come to you.