I know this doesnt go under the subject of the funniest things Ive said while under the influence...but it is a funny thing i read so close enough..

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Muffet away.
Then muffet went back
and checked her gun rack
grabbinga .357
finding the spider
she sat down beside her
and blew that poor sucker to heaven.

This was todays Pearls before Swine comic..