Jesus I follow your thinking and have written many pages along that path.
I love to explore the reaches of the mind that most fear to acknowledge because they lack control to remain dominant over their urges. Our 'reality' forces us to shun these thoughts but I say embrace them and own them they ARE us. People will never know themselves as long as they refuse to confront the things they hide inside. Most people will deny what they are to be 'normal' and 'safe' but we all know who we really are.
Its a carefully constructed illusion we live in and it depends upon our blindness to remain stable enough to fool us into being blind enough not to see it for what it really is. Its all words. Real life lives in the spaces betwee words and in the silences between our thoughts. I know who I am and I know who I can become. And, I know who I ignore to keep playing this game we all play. Some games need players, some players need games. Some know that they ARE the game.
I play along only as much as I need to and can stand to play.
I hold tight to my character so I can cope with what we have on our plate and swallow it everyday. Its a necessary sacrifice. I buy into the game and convince myself I can tolerate it to avoid friction and all that comes with being outside the game.
Fundamentally, I am a player who sees beyond the game but continues to smear myself with the filth of the machine so I can try to forget my own slavery. There is no way out, so I dont try to break free physically. I have my 'responsibilities' and I function quite well considering. But I long to be free of these chains as much as you. But, some of the debravity you mention just isnt my style.The program has been written and it runs 24/7. The occasional self made virus gives me relief but soon enough it is cleaned from my system and I carry on.
In my mind I am free from it all but physically I am , and always will be , a slave.
I understand those who explore it within their minds but to act it out is another thing.
I'd love to get into chat with you sometime but tonight is not the night.
Hopefully sometime we can debate this. I love a good existential debate.
Just tonight isnt the night.
peace.