Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettCrush
I'm just shy really. A lot of people I meet just want to get something from me. (sex, money, weed, ect.) I don't know what to say in social situations unless I am comfortable around the people I am with. When they find out what I do for a living I get this insanely rude barrage of very personal questions and when their curiosity is satisfied they have no more use for me. (I don't mind a few questions, but don't ask about my sex life when you just met me five minutes ago) Also many assumptions about my charicter are made when they find out my proffession, and somehow they are never flattering ones.
I hardly ever go out, crowds intimidate me.
I stopped paying attention to people a long time ago. I got so tired of looking up and seeing derision, rejection, laughter, I just don't look up. I'm not scared, just tired. I can't search someone's eyes for that sparkle of affinity anymore. I can't pay attention to what perfume they wear and analyze what that says about their personality. I can't watch someone's body movements and spend hours deciding if the left hand hair flip meant they where kidding or if it was a slight to me. I can't pay attention to what brand of cigarettes they smoke, what drink they prefer or any other of the excruciating minutia that makes up another persons preferences just so I can accommodate any of them should the need arise.
I watch peoples hands, to make sure they aren't going to make an aggressive move, to see if they are rough, if they look strong. Sometimes I flinch when I am talking to someone who uses exaggerated hand motions. I play it off by making some lame ass joke that usually gets a smile. I don't look past their lips, I don't want to know what the eyes are doing, what they are looking like, what that says about you, what that says about what you think of me, what that says about me, and if you prefer coke, Pepsi or ibc root beer. I half listen to the buzz buzz buzz of conversation, more interested in the tempo and rhythm than the subject. I smile smile, laugh, oh really? well you have too. smile smile laugh. I can't think of a thing to say, because I'm so busy not paying attention. Later on that afternoon I will think of the perfect comment, then kick my ass for a week because I never said it. Kick my ass for a week for not smiling better or sharing a joke, for not talking, for not flirting, for not giving out my card, for acting flaky.
I wish it where different, I wish I had that kind of charisma that makes people want to know me, help me, hang out with me. I'm just me though.
i went through a phaze like that for a few months once recently sept alittle different. that came strait from the dark place ur in, u just have to work ur way through it and/or have a significant life change. maby we could meet up somtime after i settle in down south here in a month or two sence i ont know anybody.