Feeling put out and helpless

[Lily420]

All right guys, confessions of Lily and her feelings. get a load of this alright? Well all my life i've gone through problems: Molestation, rape, drugs, depression, court...ever since I was 2 years old these things started happening little by little. Now i've come to a point where even though I might have gotten over my problems from the past my problems in the future i start to question....
Im not a very smart girl and im not very good at anything. Im very quiet and i dont say much because everything comes out wrong when I speak. I dont kno weither its a language problem...my school seems to think so. And being not so bright makes me feel really bad. I mean I keep trying to do everything better and then i bomb. I feel pathetic. And i also im confused as of weither i love or hate myself...I love evryone! I have a very good heart i do not wish pain onto others. I want to do my best! But when im always reminded by my actions that im pathetic it brings me down. It angers me.
Now im afraid the only really good thing here in atlanta is slipping away from me...Luc hasent been very touchy for 3 weeks now...ever since i met his mother. Hes been very tired, sad, and all he wants to do is play video games. Last time I was over his place I had to make the first move (which never happends) and we were only at it for 10 mins till he decided to play video games...grrrr its not normal...and im scared hes doing this to get farther away from me...and im think its because im not so smart. He always calls me spazz and then tells me i need anger managment...Im scared he thinks its because the weed but i've always been this way...I dunno wat to think...i dont want to think anymore!!!! Thinking drives me mad!!!! Goes on for fucking forever!!!!!!! I cant even enjoy sleep because all my dreams have to do with me breaking up with luc for sum1 else, and it breaks my heart to see his face in every one!!!! I have a lot of pain in my heart...sorry i needed to vent i guess...thanks guys for listening to my little problems and sorry if i wasted your time.

Lily420 Reviewed by Lily420 on 06-26-2005. Feeling put out and helpless All right guys, confessions of Lily and her feelings. get a load of this alright? Well all my life i've gone through problems: Molestation, rape, drugs, depression, court...ever since I was 2 years old these things started happening little by little. Now i've come to a point where even though I might have gotten over my problems from the past my problems in the future i start to question.... Im not a very smart girl and im not very good at anything. Im very quiet and i dont say much because Rating: 5

[SPL00G]

hey lily its aight your not the only one who has those kind of thoughts and feelings

i have the same prob sometime i just push everyone away cuz i know i'ma pain and a hassle for everyone but hopefully you can find someone who still appreciates yah...maybe its luc mayb it's someone you are still to meet

sry i can't help yah with the boyfriend cuz i aint got a clue on him...seems like maybe he's depressed also but hell iunno just my rambling

just remember that somewhere there are people that care about yah...and eventually you'll be aight

heh just my 2 cents and sry bout your situation and for wasting your time :l

[NoosaHeads]

I feel for you lily420.
you haven't had the Best start to Life but your still Young and considering what you have been through You are a verry strong and intelligent individual.
since I have been visiting these boards (not long) you Have been a constant light to these forums and I admire that.
you have chosen not to be a victim and fight your way through you troubles.
(dont let the Pain of your Past Poison your future..)


and I dont think you should take luc spending more time on video games personally
I think it may have somthing more to do with him and not you..

[ezjim]

im assuming you are still fairly young if im wrong i apoligize but if this guy dosnt respect you enough not to call you names and put you down then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM!! if this is ment to be it will work out if not move on life is way to short to worry about some one more interested in his joy stick than your's good luck and i hope things work out for you

[GHoSToKeR]

"you Have been a constant light to these forums"

Couldn't have said it better myself. Lily, Darkneon, whatever.. alot of people feel like that as dthey're growing up. I mean, you're probably just at the point in your life when you don't know which direction to go in, and it's just making you feel dejected and helpless. But eventually you'll find your 'calling', and you'll find other people who will appreciate you for what you are.. you just have to keep your head up and hang in there. You know we loves ya

[maryjanemama]

Lily, you little sweetheart, I just want to reach out and hug you!!

First of all, there's book smart and common sense smart. Getting good grades means zilch if you can't get out of your own way. In other words, it's common sense that going to get you through life, not how well you can solve an algebra problem. You have a good heart, that's very important as well. Have you ever thought about saying goodbye to high school and getting a GED? I normally would not reccomend that, but, I think school is really bringing you down, Lily. It seems like your teachers keep holding you back and never help you to get any further.

Luc....yikes, sorry, but I think he's trying to push you away. Maybe I'm wrong (I hope I'm wrong!!) but it seems like he is ignoring you because he doesn't know how to break up with you. Honestly, I think you could do better, anyway. Don't ever let anyone call you names!! Never, ever....even if they say they are, "Just joking." Jokes are supposed to be funny, not make you feel bad. Start ignoring the chubby little bastard for a while and see what happens. If he calls you, then you know he's still interested. If he doesn't, take it as a lesson learned and move on.

And, like his Ghostliness said, we love ya and we're here for you. Venting is good!!

[lilee]

I think u seem very smart, u learn how to overcome many problems and u can still talk about it ! that takes alot for someone to do so u should be proud of youself. Never put yourself down and never let any man put u down either, your better than that and u do not deserve that. You are very strong and i believe u can find a guy who will apperricate that. Chin up baby! Love yourself cuz in the end u will find out that u will be your own best friend and noone will ever be able to take that away from you

[Lily420]

Thanks guys!!! You all put a smile to my face.

Maryjanemama, If i took my GED i wouldent pass so thats out of the question. And my father would get really angry if I droped out. Personally even though its really tough I like school. Im not very good in agebra but i love world geography and literiture. I dont want to quit school. Since its me having these problems im gunna have to work harder

As for luc i'll ignore him. See if he calls me. I really love him and he loves me. But hes wanted to break up before if i hadent done somthing about it.

Im greatful to have buds like you guyz!!!!! <3

I have to try harder!

[maryjanemama]

Yikes, I just typed out a post and it never went through, fooking dial up.

Yes, stay in school and try harder, good job, Lily. Do your best and don't compare yourself to the so called "smart kids". Have you ever been tested for any learning disabilities or ADD? Sometimes things like that go undectected for a long time, especially if you attend a big school.

When I was little I had a speech impediment and a reading problem. Whenever I got called on to read I would just freak out and start bawling (I was quite popular, as you can imagine ). In first grade, they figured out I was not a complete spazz, but, I had learning disabilities. By third grade I was in regular reading classes and my speech impediment was gone. Even now my spelling is sometimes atrocious, but, I can speak normally....in fact, I talk too much.

If my problems weren't addressed when they were, who knows what might have happened. I have a friend whose learning disabilities weren't found out until she was in college, she spent all of high school just thinking she was dumb.

[GoGo Ball]

I would love to be able to turn my brain off if just for a day,

sometimes I have cycles of thought that wouldn't stop,

the one thing you should never do is bottle things up, this forum can be a form of counselling, you need to clear things in your own head, learn to love who you are and stand up tall, head held high and battle on,

Life is tough, some people hide problems better than others but I guarantee that below the skin lurks demons in everyone.

Signed

Dr.Phil