only in america

[ezjim]

WHEATLEY, AR-Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were
cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated
stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist
involved in a single-car accident Sunday.

"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of
being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told
reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer
cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're
not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error
didn't play their parts-but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."

The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north
of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.

A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such
details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both
hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal, preventing
it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery lacerated by
bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."

Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his 13
years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.

"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can
feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When you
approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the
still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal
fireworks-well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."

Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult
for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the
cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."

"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere
six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle
doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two leather
belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through the
windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand and an
electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."

"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled in
'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent a
few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at what
a dumbass this guy was."

Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events,
it appears that the driver-drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a
double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant-saw a train
approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to
the intersection.

"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons,"
Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an
oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing
two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as
the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is
the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train
tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts
panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering
the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though
'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate
description of the cause of death and leave it at that."

The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family,
which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the
Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces
Everclear.

ezjim Reviewed by ezjim on 05-27-2005. only in america WHEATLEY, AR-Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday. "We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer cans, food Rating: 5

[Hempamasta]

Oh... my.... God.

That is the most funny and terrible thing I have ever seen.

[TheLion]

....that's fucking unbelievable. Well, it's nice to know someone who's that stupid is dead.

[Dick Justice]

Gene pool + chlorine = better lives for those who live.

[EverydayJunglist]

Is that shit for real?! I started doubting it when i read about the inflatable doll.And all of the police kept callin him stupid,and a dumbass.And "bone stick stone stupid".Who is more of a dumb hick, the dude in the wreck or the investigator who said"bone stick stone stupid?
Then the part where i realy doubted the validity of this report is where it says in the last paragraph, "The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family".LMFAO!
If that is real then that is some funny shit ezjim...only in america indeed

[justinsane]

those must have been an interesting last few fucking minutes for that dude! haha, such an incident raises the question.... did he finish shavin his balls?