So I'm starting to get what I can best describe as jitters. I'm a paranoid-type schizophrenic, and I've got PTSD [to name a pair]... so... Eff. Eff me in the eh. Every time I hear a car door open or close, or hear a car pull up... I'm jumping out of my seat and checking for the effing DEA hit squad. My mind, so I've been told, is a dangerous place... and my imagination runs wild.

The worst part was yesterday, this SOB in the parking lot was having an altercation, and like... 4 cop cars showed up and I didn't know why they were there. I came in halfway through. So I saw four cop cars parked right outside my building and all I could think was "Welp, I'm gonna be someone's bitch in prison. Yeup." Went upstairs, sat down, waited. Nothing.

I can't sleep... My heart is racing... everything is making me jump... every time a cop car even comes within my eyesight I freak.

This is why I'm scared: I'm not scared of the police. I'm not scared of going to court. I'm scared of losing my medicine, of not being able to medicate because of probation with that year and a day bull hanging over my head. I'm in a constant, measurable amount of pain, both physical and mental. I need this medicine. This medicine is the only thing that works.

I've been free of hospital visits for a while now. I'm incredibly -proud- of how long I've stayed out of the hospital. All thanks to MMJ. I mean, I'm not selling, I'm not telling anyone who isn't involved in some way... I know I'm technically the fall guy because I am the grower but... I will quite literally die without this medication. Like... I don't want to get in to war or horror stories but... Marijuana is the reason I'm still alive. It's calmed me down and helped me step back from the edge so many times.... and now I've gotta worry about these DEA c*********s and local police and.... GAH!!!

How do you more experienced growers do it?! What keeps you from having a panic attack and just doing a slash and burn on your whole crop?